What can I do?

I love text messaging. I text all the time. Text allows me to keep in contact with people I just don't have time for. It's quick. I find it thoughtful - though I know I'm somewhat in the minority on that, at least for people in my demographic. Most of all, it's easy.

Last week, I got a text from a friend of mine. I've known her since before she was in Junior High. Tonight, she texted me some pretty huge news. Huge like, life altering. hasn't told her mom. way outside the path she was on. news. I'm not really surprised by the news. Not shocked at it's existence in any regard.

Years and years ago, I was in a similar spot at a similar age and my church and the Christian community I was involved in then had very strange ways of 'being supportive' that generally involved being shut out, shunned, unwelcomed. It was horrible. I was still me. I was clearly in need of more Jesus. I was in a place of softness in my heart where I would have actually welcomed love like Jesus'. I got it from Him, just not His church. It was sad to me. Really really sad.

Fast forward a few years later and I began to understand a new idea about this sort of thing. The reactions of the Church became very clear to me during this time. At that time, my response to this new understanding was something I've come to understand as righteous discontent. The only real solution to this discontent is to actually do something about it. Something to cause change - something to right the wrong that causes the discontent in the first place.

THEN! some schtuff went down for a friend of mine. It was awful. Truly truly awful. Hearts hurt. Lives broken. You know what? The part that broke my heart the most was that there was again, someone in deep need of Jesus love and the Church didn't give love. They gave rules. They gave counsel. They gave words. They didn't give love. One person, maybe three or four once everything was said and done, loved my friend.

AND THEN!! Some other schtuff went down for a different friend of mine. The church had an opportunity to Love. The church didn't make that choice. Again. I loved my friend. I let her know, in love, that she was Loved. That it didn't make her choices right or wrong or good for her or bad for her. Those were questions she'd have to get answers for. She knows my opinion, but she also knows that I LOVE her. Even if she makes more bad choices. She's loved. Even if she hurts herself because she didn't do the right thing. She's loved.

So, about this text convo I'm in the middle of, this girl. I love her. I hate some of the things she does to herself, but I know. I've been where she is. The only person who loved me through that was my mom. Terrifying. Nearly inconceivable. 100% Lifeline. I don't know if my friend has that sort of safety net in the area where she lives. I know that I can't certainly make choices for her or walk the road of consequence for her, but my goodness! I'm sure as the sun will rise that today's modern church sure isn't going to love her. Especially not if she goes back to where she came from.

I can't be her mom. Can't be the answer. I can't be anything more than love for her. It's so hard to be love from so very far away.

Can I get a witness?

So, we're sitting in church today and the pastor starts talking about how awesome God is and how great his reach into our lives is and how amazing his love for us is when he ends a sentence with, "Can somebody say AMEN?"

To which Middle Mann replies, "uhh...yeah..."

Such passion. We're probably going to have to start really limiting those outbursts. Totally reminded me of when he was baptized!

Pastor: Have you put your faith and trust in Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior?
MM: uhh...sure...

Today was a most amazing day.

It's somewhat difficult to explain, but all in all, it was a great day. It started just after midnight. I realized I've paid off the oldest of my credit cards and then I got a few text messages from my most awesome friend. Then, I went to sleep until I woke up on my own. (Nothing is better than that!)

We all got up this morning and the kids and I headed off to church. We've been going to this church for quite a while. Sweetie's been getting kind of involved in the youth group and has even brought her friend with her a couple of times.

The worship was amazing. Something else, sort of nerdy was cool about it too. The drummer was having a hard time hearing the lead vocal and was trying to express that back to the sound booth who obviously wasn't responding to the poor guy. So, nerdy me just couldn't let that keep going on, so I hopped out of my row and jumped to the back of the room to let the sound guy know that his drummer couldn't hear the lead vocal. That actually felt pretty good. I haven't spent a whole lot of effort paying much attention to the little things like that during a service. It wasn't distracting or burdensome for me to notice it. I just felt pretty sympathetic to the poor drummer. I guess there's a special place in my heart for drummers. Plus, this particular drummer and I have the same haircut, so I just couldn't resist. He needed help and he wasn't getting it, and then he did. I think helping out that way made me feel kind of a part of things in a way that I haven't in a lot of weeks. Like since August....

The sermon was good, and the drama team came out and did the drama that I posted a couple of weeks ago and Sweetie actually posted the real live video from our drama team today!

Then, there was an alter call.

I don't tend to think these opportunities generally apply to people like me. The type of person who has been a follower of Christ for most of her life. The type of person who most people around her would generally say has a strong faith that seems to direct her footsteps.

I must say though, that this girl who fits the above description has pretty much been phoning it in with God lately, and today, during church, I really felt like it was time to be done with that auto-pilot relationship with God.

I'm not sure where God wants me to go from here. I'm pretty sure it'll involve some real prayer and not the throw it up and hope it gets through the roof of my house. I haven't said much of a prayer that would probably get through the stratosphere lately. And I'm pretty sure God is higher than that.

I'm sure I'll drop the ball again, but I'd like to be able to get it back on the bounce instead of after I'm standing around wondering where the ball went only to find it right behind me. Again.

those crazy Bible characters

I've been thinking in the silly quiet parts of my head about the Bible. I've been wondering about some of the heros from the Old and New Testaments and the kinds of people that God chose to use for His kingdom. I've been thinking about this is relation to my own retrospective look at myself.

Don't get me wrong here. I don't think I'm like one of the people in the Bible. Noah, Abraham, Moses, David, Elijah, the 12 disciples, or Paul. What I think is an interesting thought process to consider is how they felt inside themselves comparatively to how I feel inside about myself.

As best as I can tell, they were averageish people. Just going along through their lives. Livin'. When all of a sudden. Seemingly from nowhere, this great big God took ahold of their lives and made them into what He wanted them to be. All that He did in their lives was ultimately to bring glory to Himself.

We are shown a series of snapshots of their lives. We don't know the details about the parts of their lives that aren't written. What they thought about in their alone times. What kinds of parents they were. How marriages of that day compare to today and what kind of real life partners they were. Certainly, there is no shortage of downfalls among the greats of the Bible, but all in all, what does that do to the story except bring even more glory to God?

For me, the humanness of the heros of the Bible gives me hope. It also makes me wonder what my life would look like all written down. I suppose that the story would certainly depend on who was writing it. I wonder what God would write about me.

if you pray...

If you're one of the fabulous millions who pray to God the Creator, please lift up my mom right now. She fell this morning and broke both her wrist and her ankle - right and left respectively. She had to have emergency surgery to repair her wrist.

Unfortunately, for the entire time she's been in the care of physicians today, she has been having a hard time keeping her blood saturated with oxygen. Her sats are running in the low 70's when she's not purposeful about breathing...and that's with lots of supplemental oxygen.

I'm not convinced that she just fell today. I'm concerned that there's more to her fall and I'm trying to make sure that my dad pushes back on the doctor. She's been admitted overnight following her surgery. She's still not in stable condition, but they did release her from surgical recovery unit fully 7 hours after surgery was finished. It took more than 2 hours to wake her.

I've lost a lot of people in the last short period of time, and although on the surface this doesn't seem like the kind of thing that would take a person's life, my deep concern in the likelihood that there's more to it leads me to think the worst.

So, yeah, could you please pray with me for her? Thanks.

Thanks

I'd like to start by thanking those who left lovely and insightful comments on my post requesting help.

I've narrowed my search for a camera considerably after reviewing the options and sites that were recommended.

Also, though I haven't picked out a new one yet, I will be purchasing a new shower pouf.

On the subject of knowing God's will...

I have accepted an offer for a new job. Although leaving the job I currently have is painful at the very least, the job I'll be moving to is an incredible opportunity. The new company is very excited to have me and I'm very excited to have accepted the position.

The job is going to require some pretty big changes, though. Get ready.

The Polyphonic Spree

The concert I mentioned in my last post? Who? Where?

It was a really cool venue. Smallish for a concert. Gigantic for a bar. Kind of an intimate mixture. There was some food and drink. It was good stuff. The company was funny and very excited to share her appreciation for a band that I didn't really know anything about.

I had seen them on Las Vegas and heard they were on Scrubs, but that's all the more I knew of The Polyphonic Spree. We were sitting at a table in the area behind and below the VIP's and just before the show started, the lead singer of the band came up and talked to us. He was looking for the VIP table and apparently our smiling faces were more welcoming than the big white signs posted on every chair at the table in the closed inish area that was raised about 6" from the level we were at. It was cool. I could totally tell he was a rock star, even though I had no idea it was the lead singer of the main act. I knew it was a big band, so he could have been any one of the 23 people that were planning to grace the stage.

It was a great show. The opener was a little weak, but the main event was actually amazing. There was sooooo much to look at and try and find (I love sounds!) There really were 23 people up there. The lead singer was more than that. He was the director of a small orchestra/concert band/rock band. It was amazing. Did I mention that?

Their words were clear and I found myself singing along with the rest of the crowd while I was very entertained by the show.

There were times when I was a little weirded out by how much it seemed similar to worship with the singability and the way the music would just hang out and swell and diminish at the direction of the leader's hands. I am so glad that when I worship, it is an almighty God who is the one and only Creator of the Heavens and the Earth and all that was and will ever be. Worship of Him is much more rewarding than worshipping a band. I was moved, challenged. Not to join in with the crowd and offer a praise to TPS. Certainly, I was a gracious attendee. I clapped at the ends of songs and during songs I participated with the crowd. It was just so interesting to watch a crowd of people seemingly fall in love in front of and in honor of the band.

I was challenged to remember that the Almighty God whom I worship provides me with more than a few instruments and entertaining singers. He has provided everything for me. Not only my daily bread, but also the intricate involuntary muscle cells that cause me to continue breathing without even trying. Certainly, there's more than enough ammunition in His bag of blessings to praise Him in all and for all of the moments of every day of my whole entire life.

a couple of days off...

So, I took a couple of days off from blogging. I've been trying to think of something profound that's not nearly as dark as I've been lately. But first, I think there's something I have to get off my chest.

I've been writing here for a month now. Well, actually today is the last day of the first month. I feel that I have not mentioned something that I think is pretty important. I mean, after all someone did die for me and I haven't even been kind enough, or appreciative enough, or even polite enough to mention that I appreciate it or noticed let alone that I even know it happened.

Here's the story...it all started a little more than 6000 years ago. There was this big guy; he was bored for a while. One day, he took notice of this little clump of matter and he was all, "Um, I wonder what that could be after some work?" So he started messing with it, shining some light on it, scooping out the dirt and making some pretty big puddles. He thought about a couple of options, and since he had the time, he worked both of them out. In the puddles he made it all full of plants and animals. He did the same thing where on the dirt parts.

There was a little plan brewing in the big guy's mind. He was thinking, "what about putting something like us down there." So the three of them got together and played Rock, Paper, Scissors to decide if the new things they were working up should go on the land or in the water. That's a rough game when 3 are playing. After much wrestling, the land won out.

These people were given charge over all the animals and plants on the land and in the water, and they only had one little rule to follow. Of course, it didn't take them very long at all to break the only rule they had. There's a really cool thing that happens here in the story though. Mr. Big makes a promise that he will take care of the fallout from them breaking the rule.

There was lots of hurdles to get there, but about 2000 years or so ago the Big Guy sent his son to the earth through this chick who was going to get married to this one guy. But the guy wasn't the dad. It was kinda twisted, but that's how it had to happen. Mr. J grew up and learned all about his Real Dad and made a ton of friends. He also had some enemies. After about 3 years of some heavy paparazzi coverage, he ended up on trial for nothing but a complete fabricatation. The media, being the way they are of course, killed him. He had something to show them though. He only stayed dead for like, 3 days. Then he was like, poof! ALIVE!

Anyway, he did leave the earth, but he said that he's doing something just for me. Well, I guess there's other people he's doing it for, but he says he would have done it all for just me if he would have needed to.

I think it's pretty important to mention that I'm really, really glad that the Trinity had this huge place in their heart for me. Sometimes, I can't even imagine why or begin to understand it. But that's the truth. God made the whole entirety of everything that is anywhere and everywhere and for some reason, he made me...on purpose, for his purpose. I hope that I don't disappoint him every single day, but I'm pretty sure that I probably do. He says that he'll love me anyway, as long as I acknowledge my complete need for him and love him back. I don't know if I love him back enough, but I'm trying. I sure want to. I don't want to hurt his heart.

I love you, Jesus. I know that I'm nothing and completely without value without you. Thank you for making this whole big plan without even having met me, and for giving up your life on account of me. Silly little me. Yes, that's right, I love Jesus and I'm not actually ashamed of that.

Yes, I struggle with a feeling of unworthiness. I'm working on that. I suppose I should work harder at not shutting God out of that work. I'm working on that, too.