Wednesday, May 28, 2008

more of me

Sunday, I spent the better part of the evening reading old posts here and I've come to a bit of a conclusion or two or three.

1. I don't respect the blog in the way I did in the past.
2. I should write more.
3. Maybe I'm not as out of my mind as I think I am.

Sunday was Michelle's birthday. She would have been 39. Alas, she ended her journey at 36 1/2. It is funny to me, in this very moment, that she would have cared to note the 'and a half'. She always noted the 'and a half' in her 5'2 1/2" height. I miss her. Church was amazing. I wish she had been there. I wished I could have talked to her. I wish I could share with her the inside of me right now. She'd tell me that she loves me. She'd tell me that sometimes life isn't always handed to us the way we wish it were.

She would have understood me. She would have loved me inspite of what's inside me right now and she would have been encouraging in the ways that are right. She would have laughed with me that maybe indeed, I am not depressed, but rather bi-freaking-polar just like Cinda-freakin'-rella.

I think it's quite possible that I'm not actually out of my mind, but rather a full understanding of my being is imperceivable inside the limitations that exist inside the understanding I'm currently aware of and will only be fully realized in the Heaven that awaits me.

Probably, part of why I'm still here and she's not is that they're not ready for me as yet. Also, maybe there's more for me to do here; for me to accomplish, to understand, to bless with all my being. HAHAHA! Mostly, that's doubtful. But apparently, embracing me and loving me is important for me to do. To build up myself with God's grace is my calling, perhaps.

I do find it strange, admist all this, that God is so clear and easy for me to understand and so terribly difficult to explain. Also strange. When I read through my "seriously? I am out of my mind" posts, it was so strange how many of those labeled posts relate in some way to God.

Also, I'm pretty sure my period is about to start. That would make SOO much sense.

How 'bout that?

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