Saturday, March 31, 2007

I almost forgot to mention this!

There is a team from our church that has headed down to New Orleans over Spring Break for the 2nd year in a row. This year they are keeping us updated via this blog. Feel free to hop over there and see what's going on.

They left this morning on a bus headed to the airport. It was misty and cold here this morning. The Sweet One sent text messages letting us know they were taking off from SeaTac, when they landed for a very short layover in Dallas, and then she called once they were on the ground in New Orleans and headed to baggage claim. She's pretty awesome and I miss her terribly already.
I really want to write, but I'm totally void of even the beginnings of something decent to write about. Today was one of those days that I wish I had a darker, more lonely place that I could bare the real ugliness inside of me. BUT...I probably should just shut the hell up about how things just don't go the way I wish they would.

I miss my sister and I'm tired of people dying reminding me just how big that damn empty spot in my heart is. I think that's all.

Friday, March 30, 2007

Sometimes I wonder...

Sometimes I wonder about postings. I've been reading and reading all kinds of different blogs and one thing amazes me that I've not mentioned in the past.

I completely amazes me how there are people who seriously write a novel almost every stinking day. Okay, they're not novels, but for real! Dissertations at the very least. And they write and they write and they write.

I often feel like once I've published a post, I could probably go back and keep writing about the same subject, but that would just be boring. So, I don't know. I'm rather in awe of people who have #1 the time to write so much every single day and #2 that much information in them about any one particular topic that they can seriously devote an entire blog to that topic and still manage to post everyday.

My life is mostly just little 5-10 minute episodes of whateverness. My brain only captures about 1/4 of that. But it has been interesting to leave comments and want to reference a prior post that only happened in the history of my life and not in my blogland. It's a funny little quandry, huh?? Not having the time or the energy to write more and wishing there was more info here to be able to reference historically.

ideas for posting

I often think about 40-50 different things to post about when I'm on my way to sleep. Of course, upon waking there is not a drop of an idea. Better yet, I'll be driving home from work. In the midst of my mental flush of the day (this is a fun thing that I try to do every single day between work and home so I don't bring work home) I'll think of about 796 different little bits of randomness that I could post about.

Yesterday, while thumbing through my Reader, I learned that even the pro's forget their good ideas.

my layout

I made some changes to my site. I don't think they're really big changes, mostly some colors. Oh...and the pic. I think it's better. I'm using it on my messenger too.

With my intended new addiction to the camera, I should be more comfortable with how I look in pictures. I really am not. I wish I were or imagined a time that I would be more comfortable with how I look. What I feel like inside compared to what I see when I look at pics~very different.

Stop Cyberbullying Day

I really feel passionately about this, not so much from a blogging perspective, but from the seriously electronically addicted society we live in. I have personally been electronically monitored by people, more than was really necessary. But, what pains me more are the young girls that I volunteer with. Their boyfriends hound them day and night. Whether it's text messaging, plain and simple phone calls, MySpace can get out of hand so easily. And the pain that can be caused by the demonstrated unheathy expectations of one person to another via electronic means of communication is very upsetting to me.

I'm not much of an activist. I actually had to think about what that word was that I was trying to use there. That's how much I'm not one. But, this issue is something that I think can fly under the radar of the parents who had kids when they were actually old enough to have kids. It blows my mind to think of parenting without my own MySpace account. I love that my daughter's friends will accept me as their friend. I think just them knowing that I care enough to spend a little time commenting their sites and keeping track of what's going on in their worlds will matter in the end.

I feel that if we (the honestly real and maybe somewhat un-sane grown ups) in our kids lives would go to the effort of helping to show our youth what's okay and what's not okay to say online or off and how to resolve conflicts and how to be transparent but not someone completely different than you are in your real life, then maybe the electronically driven tribe will not destroy itself. Maybe, just maybe there are people who are grown up enough to lead this silly little internet somewhere besides to porn and abuse.

I don't know, maybe that's just lofty thinking.

Hey ~ check out this cute icon!

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

The answer is both.

I stayed up until 2:30 on Monday morning (Sunday night) and a worked on it almost the whole way to Portland. The video~for the funeral. It ROCKED! It was actually awesome to hear the snotty noses reacting to the photos and the songs.

I think I might have actually picked up a couple more leads in my newly found creative outlet. Great! I love death so much...I just can't wait to do more memorial videos for strangers dead loved ones. (complete sarcasm)

So, why did I do both? After picking my Sweet One up on Sunday night, we were listening to the CD for Easter that I had received that morning at church. One of the songs made me cry, so we listened to it repeatedly. Why do we do that? Self-imposed torture with tears. I'm thinking that's another post.

Anyway, when we got home, I felt a new energy and determination to get a good start on the finished product. It was really great that I was able to include the songs that my uncle had recorded. It was actually kind of amazing. Two of the songs were the exact length of the video. That was SOOOO cool to me. Like it was meant to be. How corny am I? Maybe it was just really late.

On Sunday night, I worked out the actual length of the video and matched up the songs. Then TV started re-running the 11:00 news and I knew I was going to have a really hard time waking up in the actual morning, so I decided to finish the rest of the transitions on the ride down.

So, I watched my battery the whole way down. It said I had 40 minutes left of battery just as I saved the video to disc. I wrapped everything up and hibernated the happy little laptop. The fun, however, was just beginning!

That's right! Once we got to the church, I pulled out my laptop and nearly burned my hand. 40 minutes after shutting it down, the fan was still trying to run to cool itself. Fortunately for the laptop, its Mommy had put it into a suffocating bag and it couldn't breathe. With all that trying, it chewed the battery into oblivion. Completely dead. Not even a flashing light that says, "Hey there Mommy, I'm just here, waiting for you to love on me again." So dead that I couldn't even get it to make the pretty little power light to light up while I was holding it down.

Normally, this would not be a problem, especially since working with computers is my JOB. Right? WRONG! I'm so set up everywhere in my normal life that I completely did not remember that power doesn't grow on trees and the only way to operate the little computer for more than 2 1/2 hours is to provide with some alternate current. That's right. No AC adapter. I should be fired.

THANK GOODNESS MY COUSIN LIVES IN PORTLAND. She let me borrow her husband and we ran around to two different Radio Shacks. I almost had to buy a new laptop because the power adapter I needed was an HP only product. Shoot me now! But, it was my birthday, so I was cool with buying a computer for it. I wouldn't have been able to keep it for myself, but that'd be okay.

Needless to say, my cousin wrangled an adapter out of the clenched fists of the 2nd Radio Shack dude and it only set me back $79.99. But hey, it was Oregon. There's no tax! What a bargain!!

Sunday, March 25, 2007


I have a really big project with a tight deadline (haa haa! That's punny!!)

I am putting together the video for my uncle's furneral tomorrow. I worked with a friend today to pull the requested music from cassette onto CD. I have all of the pics. I've been scanning and receiving emails all week long.

So what's my reason for not just getting to it? It's a bad excuse, but I'll tell you nonetheless. I ate too much dinner. My tummy hurts really bad! Dinner was the first real food I'd eaten all day, and apparently, my eyes were bigger than my tummy. Seriously! It HURTS! I wish I could make myself throw up, but I never learned that skill in high school. I learned a ton of crap that I wish I could rid myself of, but not the forced puking.

I'm really silly for using that excuse, because truly...I'm sitting here at the computer in a semi-reclined position (so that it won't hurt so much) typing this here post. So, I have to ask myself...what's the real reason silly woman? Would 'I didn't get my Sunday nap' work? How about "I have to leave here in a little bit anyway to go pick up my Sweet One. Why start now?'

I think I'm just really tired of people dying. I can put together a memorial video, but since when have we been reduced to a 5 minute presentation to sum up a person's life? I really feel like it's an awesome responsibility. I want to present something valuable and worthy of that which is represented. I think that pressure is pushing me away from 'finishing' the video. Seriously? to Finish a video of someone's Finished Life? That makes me feel a little sick too.

I suppose I should be getting a little more used to this responsibility. After all, it's the third one I've put together in a little over a year. I am glad that there's a definite due date. The service isn't gonna move because I'm not done. So whatever I get done is what's played. And I guess, if I didn't do it, there wouldn't be a video, so anything is better than nothing.

This is a bit more complicated because my uncle had a pertty full life before he settled down with my aunt and they had their family. So I include pics of his former wives with whom he had children or just him and the kids (as though they dropped out of the sky into his arms). AND! my family will be there, viewing my finished product. Eww...I'd rather speak in front of them about what I believe about ANYTHING than be judged by them for my reluctant creativity.

A-ha! The Sweet One has summoned me to provide her that promised ride home. Maybe I'll be too tired when I get home and I'll end up finishing on the drive into Portland. Or maybe my guilt will overwhelm me and I'll stay up all stinking night finishing it. Probably that's what I'll do. Sit here, working on the presentation listening to my husband sleep peacefully next to me. I'll let you know in the morning what ended up happening.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Dinner with the guys.

Friday night I got to have dinner with the guys from church that I run the sound board with. We went to Trackside Pizza. It was very yummy! I am honored to be the only girl on the team, but being the only girl has some challenges.

It seems to take a certain skill-set to be the only girl among all these boyz. I HAVE to pull my own weight and can't opt out if I'm cramping or would rather sit alone and cry in the corner backstage.

So that's it, I really dont' have anything profound to say about it, just that it's fun to me. I enjoy running sound and I'm so glad that they've let me in their club. Thanks guys!

Thursday, March 22, 2007


My awesome friend introduced me blogging. Then about a month ago, she mentioned this Reader she started using. During my experience last week with so much extra energy, I decided to try the Reader out for myself.

Well, in so doing, I have discovered a couple of things.
  1. There are TONS of blogs!
  2. There are way more things to talk about than I can even begin to fathom.
  3. People are smarter online than I think they are when they walk into WalMart. I'm not sure about this. Maybe the people at WalMart don't have computers.
  4. I think it's awesome how some people are very -ism'y. They really believe in what they believe in and write extensively about their stances.
  5. It's way easier to read blogs that just talk about their lives.
  6. I appreciate, as I have stated before, how people are so very real about themselves; strengths and shortcomings side by side. I totally love that! I want to be cool like that someday.
  7. Since starting this blogging and reading more and more, I'm finding that people really create relationships and friendships through this medium. The coolest thing that I thought about today, while not working very hard because my brain is freaking FRIED!, I was thinking about how I'm going to be headed to Alachua, Florida in a month and I wonder if there's any bloggers down there that I should not miss the opportunity to lunch or grab a drink with.

Silly me!

I used her youthful memory.

I could not believe that I forgot what the last funny thing was that my daughter said. It actually bothered me that my memory was being so short. It bothered my sleep! I wish my days would leave my nights alone!

But when we woke up, I asked her what it was that she'd said. She reminded me and then I fully recalled! HA!!

So, we had just gotten home from our adventures in Walgreens to find my husband sitting at the computer playing an online poker tournament. He'd been playing for some time and proudly reported that it was down from 4000 participants to 50 and he was still in it. To which she responds, "Wow, Dad! You're really one in fifty."

I think more than anything, it was nice to hear one of my children encourage him the way that the youngest had encouraged me with the whole Eww! A Real Woman?! comment.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

random things my children said today

I'm not a big fan of bullets unless I'm building off one common idea. Too many words have been said today by my beautiful children for me to leave them in my brain to dissappear.
  • This afternoon, while I was working from home and on the phone in a conference call with very important people for work, my little mann put in a movie. This movie was an inappropriate choice, but the rating was near impossible to find while I was on my call. Fortunately for me, 5 minutes into the movie it became clear that this was NOT a good choice for a 5 year old. I changed from the movie to the Disney channel. He gets all put out, but I put him off about it until I'm off my call. So, the call ends and we begin:
    H: Why did you turn that off? I was watching it!
    M: It is not appropriate for you.
    H: Why?
    M: I don't want to say. We went around and around a couple of times until...
    M: Sex
    H: What's sex?
    M: I don't want to tell you.
    H: Come on, mom! You have to.
    M: Fine! Boys are male and girls are female. That's sex.
    H: What's wrong with that? There are boys and girls at my school everyday. What were they DOING? So, I'm stuck now, right?
    M: They were doing what boys and girls do to try and make a baby.
    He totally cracks up laughing! hmm?!
    H: You're silly! Boys and girls don't make babies!! Only Jesus can make babies!"
  • I worked from home for the last half of my day so that I could meet with a case worker about my middle mann's continued eligibility for disability services. I cleaned the place up before the case worker got here so that I'd look like a put together working mom of 3 (totally faking it! but ya gotta do what ya gotta do for the system). Anyway, once she was finished (he qualified! SHOCK!!!) people were hungry. Something got into me and I decided to make dinner. I know, you're wondering what has gotten into me! What's with the domestication?!? In fact, I referenced that very thing while I was flipping pancakes and remembering all the times my mother told my what a bad job I did at the flipping part. To try and break that stream of self-loathing, I said to the room filled with my husband and two boys, "Geez, daddy's gonna think he's married to a real woman with all this cleaning and cooking!" To which my son replies, "Eeewwww! He would NEVER think that!!!" Great. What an example I am to him!
  • My daughter and I were walking through Walgreens. We passed by some cereal on sale. One was Little Einsteins and the other was Disney Princesses. So she says to me, "I like to eat kids, I just think princesses cross the line." What?! She likes to eat children?! I know she meant kid cereal, but WHOA! I totally teased her about it until she went to bed tonight.
  • She said something else once we got home, but now I can't remember it. I totally laughed hard though. It was good.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

I added a counter!

I've been spending so much time here, I have truly begun to wonder if I'm the only one. So, I've added a counter. This should be fun and interesting to watch, especially in light of the flickr activity....hmmm....

Wow! I had no idea the interest it would spark!!

So, I mentioned needed some feet pics last week. Um, I had NO idea the kind of attention this would bring. Not here! On my flickr! I don't usually get a lot of views on my pics, maybe 4 or 5 on average. Actually, to be more mathematically correct, it's probably less than 1 view per photo because so many have remained unviewed previous to posting this! Seriously! 19 views? People!

I changed the name of the photos just to try and slow down the hits on the pics. *note to self-be careful to think of EVERYTHING before naming your photos*

I might have known when I did a little search for feet and so many came back with mildly, um, indecent connotations. I guess I didn't know, er, um realize that feet can bring out a different side to people.

Okay, you want to know what I'm going to be doing with the feet pics? It's a creative project that I'm working on for this. Well, it's not exactly that. But it's for the same organization. My project is so on the cutting edge of creative (whatever Beth!!) that the website hasn't been updated to reflect the themes and dates for the upcoming event. I'm not sure what else I can say about it, but it's not for evil or selfish purposes. It's about worshipping God and helping "the least of these".

An inappropriate read

So, I was running through my Reader since I didn't have internet access in Portland yesterday. Days without internet are SO SAAAAD! Anyways, I was reading through my Reader and I found a link to this terribly inappropriate little post of a fine 13-year-old home-schooled kid.

So, being the good mom that I am, I totally read it to my daughter. She's quoting it already! Hilarious and very inappropriate. But funny. And worth sharing.

Let the record reflect, I have warned you as to its level of inappropriate, lest I find myself in Jesus' arms at the rapture very soon. (read it. then that will make sense.)

Thursday, March 15, 2007

the new do

Okay, so it's the first day with a new haircut. I got it done pretty quickly, but when I tried to snag some pics at work, the only one I was willing to post here is the one with a background that is just a little darker than my actual hair color. This inhibits clear viewing of my first attempt at the new do!

I did think it was funny when I went to my MySpace, that the profile pic I had there was from about 2 days after my last haircut! STRANGE!!

So, the blog profile pic is now updated. I'll really try to get a better grip on the doing of my do so I can snag some better pics this weekend when I'm in Portland loving on my aunt and my cousins.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

So, when I'm tired and I want to be alone...

I get my hair cut! OFF!! The lighting in my house is bad or I'd take a picture. Actually, it's not just dark, I have my gross, after work clothes on. Let's just use some keywords rather than describing my most excellent beauty expression in detail.

grey. holey. badly sewn. racing stripes.

Yeah, it's really that sexy. Try not to be jealous. HA!


I think I'm about done with all this trying crap! I think that I'm okay. Then, while I'm cooking dinner with all of my amazing creative energy, my cell phone rings. I almost didn't hear it. I thought it was the tv. It wasn't. It was my dad.

That in itself was strange enough. I had just talked to him a couple of hours ago. That conversation was the second in as many days. I don't normally talk to him that often. I mean, usually, it's about once or twice a month, unless he's at church. So...

He was crying. That's horrible. Your dad isn't supposed to cry! Ever! He's the strongest man in the world. No matter how old you are! I knew it wasn't good news or to finish our conversation from earlier.

Then he did it. We got through a very brief hello and then...He choked out the words. "Glen...died......about 15 minutes ago."

Please tell me that this happens in threes and now I'm done with it for a while. I don't know what to do with myself. I want to sleep. Now. Forget the stupid dinner that I made. I just want to go away and be. I am so tired. It's wrong that 6 little words can suck all of the energy I had just begun to enjoy right out of me.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007


I'm looking for digital pics of feet. Bare feet. All sizes, ages, and colors welcome. I can use my camera to photograph my own, but there's only 5 in my house and I'm looking for about 100 feet, I think.

Maybe you could take your own pics and send them to me. That sounds like TONS of fun!! Let me know what you think.

html and boring templates

I wish I know more about writing in html. I think it would help me feel less bored with the canned options offered by blogger. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate having a place to start, and I really enjoy tweaking the code that I can. Unfortunately, I don't speak fluent html, so I can make some changes, but to make things as clean as I'd like...that will probably require some schooling. The formal type. I'm picturing a classroom, endless evenings away from home, and meaningless memorization. I would hope that at some point, it would all become clear to me.

I dream of knowing what all the little <"=%^'s mean. I know some of them, but mostly as they relate to hl7 coding.

Speaking of hl7 coding, I was checking online and I found a training that I think would really help my career and my ability to fully integrate my software at work into every facet of my world. That class is being offered in Cologne, Germany. I wonder if my company would pay for my tuition and travel expenses?! How sweet would THAT be??

Ewww...I just realized that my creativity is about to boil over! How odd for me? Granted, it's not the cute mommy type creativity. I have NO IDEA what a proportion wheel is, let alone own one! It's certainly not going to be keeping anyone else busy. Nope, the kind of creativity that's bubbling up is mostly just work for me. Lots and lots of work for me. PowerPoint, Publisher, and I are going to be real close in the coming weeks.

Okay, I think I need to stop now. Sleep must occur. Then, maybe I'll be able to reign in some of this productivity I've been swimming in.

Profile photo

I clicked on the Next Blog button at the top of my page and I found myself in the midst of answers to random questions I've asked myself. This is no way references the prior post. Sweet! I must say!! So, per the instructions on this fine site, I shall once again attempt to upload a profile pic.

UPDATE~It totally worked!! I'm a pro at this now, too!!!!! :-P

Wishing again

I wish there was some way to spy into the unknown and see answers to questions I'm afraid to ask.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Pleasure or responsibility??

It's been quite fun to have something to say here every day for a few days now. I find it interesting that over the last several posts, I've been able to actually come up with 2 separate posts. Tonight, however, I'm tired. I'm not thinking that there's much productivity left in me today. Though, I can't help but wonder why the news has some weird feedback in the audio feed. Are they not professionals? This does not happen at church and if it does, everyone looks to the sound board for a solution. Man! People who run sound on TV have it so good. No one can look at them and blame them for sucking up the airwaves. Hmm...something to shoot for perhaps??

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Crying this morning...

This morning during the music at church, I found myself fighting with myself. There was definitely a battle going on inside.

We were singing some pretty difficult songs. That Chris Tomlin one with the chorus that says, "I'll never know how much it cost to see my sins upon that cross" over and over again. I really felt like I was truly worshipping and recognizing my sinful nature. Like I was honestly there, talking to Jesus and thanking Him for his sacrifice and recognizing my need for it.

A couple of songs later, we sang "In Christ Alone". That's when the tears started. I really love this song. It's so cool how it talks about how it's only in Christ that we can find our identity. And through accepting that and living in the freedom of His sacrifice and victory over death we can have life.

In the midst of that song, I found myself very angry. There's a line that says "till He returns or calls me home, here in the death of Christ I'll live." I don't have a fear of death, but when I think about being "called home" I really get angry. I don't suppose that's particularly healthy. I guess after thinking about it today, I determined that I'm actually not angry about the perspective of being called home, but I'm angry that my sister has been called.

Today was not the only time this weekend that I was called to remember how much vacancy I feel as a result of her death. I spent the better part of Friday at the hospital with a friend's family waiting for her baby boy to be born. In the middle of the day, someone walks up to me inquiring about how I've been. I had no idea who this woman was. She was pretty sure about approaching me though, so I asked point blank, "How do I know you?" She just so happened to be the social worker who came to our house last year on the day that Michelle left our house for good.

So, there I was, trying to be happy for my friend and her family. Trying desperately not to think about how gross I felt to be sitting at the same hospital that my sister had been until she stopped responding altogether. And I find myself face to face with the woman who lovingly and gently helped us to make the decision that the time had come for Michelle to go somewhere else where she could be safer.

I guess I really don't know why it makes me angry, but I'm pretty sure that's what it is.

I did it!!!

All of the laundry is folded! I can hardly believe it! I even took a nap this afternoon AND I went to the advanced breifing meeting for our church's land campaign. I shopped at WalMart for a couple of minutes. I cleaned my room!

This type of behavior is shocking!!! I'm not sure why it's happening. It might have something to do with the fact that it's really only 10:30 in my head, but the fact that it's really 11:30 just means that I'll be SUPER tired in the morning. I'm almost thinking about making lunches now instead of in the morning. Nah! Too much over acheiving could be bad for your health. I certainly don't want to risk my health! After all, I completely love sleeping and I can go to bed now and feel like I've been very productive this weekend.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

On to the next step...

On to the next step...
Originally uploaded by Everyone's crazy.
When we moved, we had a TON of laundry. I have now, officially and finally, completed every last bit of the dirty laundry we moved in here with. Now all that's left is the folding. I'm pretty sure it'll take longer than I like to do that too, but at least they're clean now. We can all "shop" from this pile instead of trying desperately to put together outfits from what was left to choose from.

I'm getting pretty high tech now!

Something is happening to me. I'm being overwhelmed by a new need to photograph our lives! And, with the new pics comes a new need to share. I've upgraded my Flickr. I'm pro now. Strange, I know! Me and Pro don't usually go into the same sentence.

It started in mid-January when my middle mann was asked to sing at "An Evening with Our Stars" for the Children's Therapy Unit in our town. I was there for the dress rehersal. One of the other mom's who has a kiddo that participated called me a bad name for not having any better of a camera than my cell phone camera with me. Her name calling sparked a new friendship with her. So, that part was nice. But, now I almost feel guilty leaving the house without the silly camera.

I'm new at being one of the Camera Mom's. My mom told me all growing up that those kinds of people were so annoying. Sweet! I shall join them and irritate her! Double bonus!!

So, feel free to encourage me to bring my camera. You might even have to encourage me to get it out of the car and take it where I go. Yesterday, while sitting at the hospital with a friend waiting for her baby to be born I had such good intentions. But there I was with only the cell phone camera again. The real one was in the car. Parked. All alone. So sad!

I might have to move into a larger purse so that it'll be harder to forget it. Hmmm....that's something I'll have to think about for a bit.

Wednesday, March 7, 2007


Things in my head are swimming again. I really don't like the way this feels. I find it very difficult to put whole thoughts together when my brain starts misbehaving. Well, there's probably a few whole thoughts, just not very many that I want to let all the way out. Those whole thoughts interrupt the normaler thoughts that I want so badly to have control of.

It's like I'm living my life, plugging through the moments when all of a sudden, without warning, from NOWHERE, this undercurrent of streaming thought starts interrupting. Seriously! It's not comfortable. It does not encourage me in my quest to find wholeness in God that would be evidenced through demonstrate-able wholeness in myself. I wish I could make it stop, but I can't. Once one invasive thought starts creeping in, it seems that the floodgates for invasive thoughts is opened. I could not fall asleep last night because I was recycling those last moments of Michelle's life.

And today, truly! Nothing but a rotten gut. You know the kind that makes you wish that you had a bathroom at least a full mile away from ANYONE!? Yeah, it was that kind of day. Unfortunately, I don't ever seem to be more than 10 feet away from someone. Aren't I lucky! You can hear my stomach chewing on itself from that far away.

So, that's what's in my crazy brain~