Sunday, June 24, 2007

I found my old house.

It's strange.

I saw an old neighbor on Wednesday and she mentioned that our old house is on the market. It was kind of exhilarating as I considered what it would be like to be able to buy that house back.

It's a pipe dream, really. Especially since they're planning on making $70,000 since they bought it, two and a half years ago.

That place was so awesome. It was ours. The yard was ours. The carpet ~ gross as it became ~ was all ours. It was brand new when we bought it so all of the dings and stains were ours. We celebrated our wedding there. We endured the onset of mental illness there. We made new friends. We all learned a lot about each other and being a family.

The paint in the kids' rooms was only there because of my strength and sweat. I was pregnant with the Little Mann when I painted those rooms. I have no idea if they still bear the color I chose for them or if the carpet has been replaced. I know that not much has been done with the lawn.

And I can't help but wonder if the new owners (now sellers) filled the holes in the ceiling downstairs. The holes we drilled to put up a wall for Michelle's "bedroom". I wonder if they could feel the love we left there. The love that was so strong at that time. I wonder if they wondered about us.

It's probably a little silly to spend too much time thinking about it, but that house was a really big part of my life. There are clear marks in my heart from when that house was purchased and then later, when we had to sell. Those marks are deep, though they don't bleed too much anymore.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Working with labels

I decided, after thinking that I wouldn't, that I will try and use labels for my posts. The going back and assigning labels to my previous thoughts is not an easy task. Honestly, I didn't think it would be as difficult as it is proving to be.

So much of what I've used this blog to write about has been as an empty-ing of my brain. A venting of nothing more than my craziness.

I have a lot more that I want to write. There's really so much more in me to vent out. A lot of feelings that have yet to escape my fingers. It's been difficult lately.

But it's not for the sake of not trying.

I have literally sat here with a New Post window opened day after day, night after night. I have been hoping, truly hoping that I could find something, anything that I feel actually worthy of sharing.

Yeah, so this post isn't really about the labeling is it?

Friday, June 22, 2007


You're probably thinking..."What?! Two videos in a row?! What kind of slacker blogger is this?!

Well, this one really was funny to me and I found it all on my own.

So there ~ no one to share it with, no one to forget where they got it from.


Except pirated off some other site.

Friday, June 15, 2007

From a friend...

I got an email from a friend this morning. The title "This will make you cry" was absolutely true!! Oh My Goodnesss! What a way to start out a Friday morning!!!

Thank you, Eric!

Tuesday, June 12, 2007


Lots of years ago, Michelle and I saw a play at the Tacoma Little Theater. It was a most interesting play wherein the main characters had their own stories going on. Their stories were the stories of their own lives; their personal miseries. The interesting part of the story is how the people whose lives were portrayed in the separate plot lines were actually ‘backdrops’ in the other people’s stories. They were just people who were in the vicinity of the misery that lived in random moments in the lives of the others around them.

That play still makes me think.

what is a blogger?

Someone asked me recently what a blog is. I responded with a generic answer that I got from Google.

To which I heard, "I thought a blogger was something sticky that a kid pulls out of their nose."

NIIICE!!!! I'm so proud to be a blogger! :+)

The mess in my head

I’ve been thinking these last few weeks. It seems to me that my life has been nothing but one crappy thing after another. Somehow all the crap runs together and intersects at me. I am the common denominator. I’m sitting here in this mess in my head trying to sort out where one crappy part starts and another one ends.

All this crap has brought me to a new crisis of faith. I really thought I knew what I believed about who God is and who I am and how to live rightly. I have tried to be a safe place to land. A place without judgment. An understanding ear. This has been a part of my core beliefs for my whole life. Don’t judge. Just listen. Be. Love. Without a plan. Maybe not without a plan, but certainly without an agenda of my own. I’ve always believed that God’s plan is bigger than anything I could do to mess it up. That His way would prevail regardless of the sins in my life or in the life of anyone else. That there is no way to ‘surprise’ God. I have always believed that His plan involved my foibles.

Guess what? I’m a sinner. I have always been a sinner. I was born this way and I’ll die this way. I will never be able to get to Heaven on my own. I will always require the redemptive power of Christ’s death and resurrection for me to get anywhere close to the pearly gates. I’m pretty sure that I’m not the only other person in the world who has this horrible sin condition.

I'm so glad that I've been able to remember that I'm loved by God. That Jesus picked me first. That I am made with a broken heart that can only be made whole by Him. I'm really, very glad about that. Trying to live without that knowledge deep in me has been dark and hopeless. I will continue to struggle with that knowledge. His gift is so much bigger than me, and for that I am eternally grateful.

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

on her birthday

I went to visit my sister a couple of weeks ago. I hadn't been to her new place since she moved there. It was good to see it. She's gotten a new neighbor since moving in. It really doesn't feel like it's been long enough for her to get a new neighbor, but that time line isn't mine to understand.

She was quiet, but there were lots of birds around singing. She loves the bird's song. And there were lovely flowers. Not a lot of traffic for her to deal with, so the noises there are all just nature.

I thought of her favorite book when I leaned in to touch her. Charlotte's Web. She loved that Avery. There was a part of me that was angry with the spider web there, hanging there, so close to her. But, as I swiped it away, my eyes got a little hot thinking about how even that reminded me of her. I realized that she wouldn't be upset by the webs.

I really wanted to get a picture with her, but I thought that might have been misunderstood.

I felt all kinds of things while I was there. Happy. Sad. Anxious. Lonely. Awkward. Lots of things. I'm glad I got the first visit out of the way. Maybe it'll be easier to visit her again soon.

Special Olympics

My middle mann did a great job at Special Olympics this weekend. He qualified for the State Competition in April. He actually qualified in all 3 of his participating events.

So, on Sunday he competed against his equally-abled peers. He took the Gold Medal in the 50 meter dash and the Silver Medal in the standing long jump as well as the 200 meter dash. You can check out pics on Flickr if you'd like.

I was over helping out at the Soccer venue, but from what I heard, he was really close to taking Gold in the 200. If not for the resting he did about 10 feet from the finish!! Silly Willy!!

YAY for him!!

Friday, June 1, 2007


I've been quiet for a while. I know this. Words are hard to find right now. Words that I can let out, anyway. There is no easy way to say anything lately. Certainly, there are not one-size-fits-all comments to make about anything. I'm not even sure that I know how to think straight anymore.

Thinly veiled? Yes.

Fake? Not ever.

Judgmental? Certainly not deliberate.

Isn't the price of love great? What without the risk of love, you cannot experience it. Yet the risk intimates pain and hurt. I'm really tired of that part.