Tuesday, June 12, 2007

The mess in my head

I’ve been thinking these last few weeks. It seems to me that my life has been nothing but one crappy thing after another. Somehow all the crap runs together and intersects at me. I am the common denominator. I’m sitting here in this mess in my head trying to sort out where one crappy part starts and another one ends.

All this crap has brought me to a new crisis of faith. I really thought I knew what I believed about who God is and who I am and how to live rightly. I have tried to be a safe place to land. A place without judgment. An understanding ear. This has been a part of my core beliefs for my whole life. Don’t judge. Just listen. Be. Love. Without a plan. Maybe not without a plan, but certainly without an agenda of my own. I’ve always believed that God’s plan is bigger than anything I could do to mess it up. That His way would prevail regardless of the sins in my life or in the life of anyone else. That there is no way to ‘surprise’ God. I have always believed that His plan involved my foibles.

Guess what? I’m a sinner. I have always been a sinner. I was born this way and I’ll die this way. I will never be able to get to Heaven on my own. I will always require the redemptive power of Christ’s death and resurrection for me to get anywhere close to the pearly gates. I’m pretty sure that I’m not the only other person in the world who has this horrible sin condition.

I'm so glad that I've been able to remember that I'm loved by God. That Jesus picked me first. That I am made with a broken heart that can only be made whole by Him. I'm really, very glad about that. Trying to live without that knowledge deep in me has been dark and hopeless. I will continue to struggle with that knowledge. His gift is so much bigger than me, and for that I am eternally grateful.

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