Thursday, November 30, 2006

a couple of days off...

So, I took a couple of days off from blogging. I've been trying to think of something profound that's not nearly as dark as I've been lately. But first, I think there's something I have to get off my chest.

I've been writing here for a month now. Well, actually today is the last day of the first month. I feel that I have not mentioned something that I think is pretty important. I mean, after all someone did die for me and I haven't even been kind enough, or appreciative enough, or even polite enough to mention that I appreciate it or noticed let alone that I even know it happened.

Here's the all started a little more than 6000 years ago. There was this big guy; he was bored for a while. One day, he took notice of this little clump of matter and he was all, "Um, I wonder what that could be after some work?" So he started messing with it, shining some light on it, scooping out the dirt and making some pretty big puddles. He thought about a couple of options, and since he had the time, he worked both of them out. In the puddles he made it all full of plants and animals. He did the same thing where on the dirt parts.

There was a little plan brewing in the big guy's mind. He was thinking, "what about putting something like us down there." So the three of them got together and played Rock, Paper, Scissors to decide if the new things they were working up should go on the land or in the water. That's a rough game when 3 are playing. After much wrestling, the land won out.

These people were given charge over all the animals and plants on the land and in the water, and they only had one little rule to follow. Of course, it didn't take them very long at all to break the only rule they had. There's a really cool thing that happens here in the story though. Mr. Big makes a promise that he will take care of the fallout from them breaking the rule.

There was lots of hurdles to get there, but about 2000 years or so ago the Big Guy sent his son to the earth through this chick who was going to get married to this one guy. But the guy wasn't the dad. It was kinda twisted, but that's how it had to happen. Mr. J grew up and learned all about his Real Dad and made a ton of friends. He also had some enemies. After about 3 years of some heavy paparazzi coverage, he ended up on trial for nothing but a complete fabricatation. The media, being the way they are of course, killed him. He had something to show them though. He only stayed dead for like, 3 days. Then he was like, poof! ALIVE!

Anyway, he did leave the earth, but he said that he's doing something just for me. Well, I guess there's other people he's doing it for, but he says he would have done it all for just me if he would have needed to.

I think it's pretty important to mention that I'm really, really glad that the Trinity had this huge place in their heart for me. Sometimes, I can't even imagine why or begin to understand it. But that's the truth. God made the whole entirety of everything that is anywhere and everywhere and for some reason, he made me...on purpose, for his purpose. I hope that I don't disappoint him every single day, but I'm pretty sure that I probably do. He says that he'll love me anyway, as long as I acknowledge my complete need for him and love him back. I don't know if I love him back enough, but I'm trying. I sure want to. I don't want to hurt his heart.

I love you, Jesus. I know that I'm nothing and completely without value without you. Thank you for making this whole big plan without even having met me, and for giving up your life on account of me. Silly little me. Yes, that's right, I love Jesus and I'm not actually ashamed of that.

Yes, I struggle with a feeling of unworthiness. I'm working on that. I suppose I should work harder at not shutting God out of that work. I'm working on that, too.

Monday, November 27, 2006

sometimes i wish i didn't think

The leader/coordinator of the grief support group that I've been going to for a couple of months sent me an email last week. She was just checking up on me to make sure that I've been taking care of myself in light of the first in a series of impending holidays. She's very kind (and I'm not just saying that because I sent her a link to my blog). I've actually asked her if she's always so nice. She calmly admitted that she's not. I love it when people allow themselves to be transparent enough to give me hope for myself.

Anyway, I said something in my email reply to her about a plan I have been brewing for myself. I've been thinking about going out to Michelle's grave. At her memorial, we received a beautiful marker with red and white fabric draping over a cross with a bird perched at the cross of the cross. Well, I haven't made it out to her spot for several reasons. Fear. Yeah, probably that more than anything. It's not that I'm afraid of the graveyard. My goodness, I used to live next door to one. Ah~the perks of being the pastor's kid.

Anyway, one of the things I said was that I want to make this trek alone. I'll admit, it's not really a trek, it's only a few blocks from my parents house which is only about 15 minutes from my house. But, there's definitely been a blockage for me to go there. My mom wanted to go out there for Michelle's birthday. I couldn't do it. Once, Softie drove me through there. There were kids in the car with us and I find it rather difficult to express what I really feel in front of them. Like on my wedding day, I felt the pressure of parent more than the pressure of bride. I felt like I had to be brave for them. Well, I feel that quite a bit about Michelle's death too. Like, if I let myself cry as hard as the ache in my heart wants me to around the kids, they might think I've lost my mind and it might really hurt them to see that.

So, this trek I'm thinking about, I want to do it alone. I want to face my fear. I want to admit to myself again that she's really gone. I want to be free to sob and cry as loud and as long as I feel like What I told my leader in the email is that I think I'm afraid to scare someone around me with my feelings. Then I said that maybe what I'm actually more afraid of is showing myself how deep my sadness is. It was something like that, and it's out now.

What if the latter part of that thought is more the truth? What if what I'm really afraid of is addressing the dark cavern in my heart for myself. What if I try to cover up my own fear of myself with this silly pride or protection of those weak people around me. You know, the ones who I'm responsible for keeping afloat? Um, what does that say about me? I'm pretty sure I couldn't keep anyone afloat even if I tried with all of my might.

I think I'll think about this a little more. I sure hope that there's not too much truth in a fear of myself.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

a goal

Most times, I title my entry before I actually write it. Today, however, I'm unable to come up with a topic based on my intention for this post. Ah-HA~ I thought of it~

a goal

I'd like to set a goal to get my A+ tests taken by the end of the next 2 weeks. I really don't know what's taking me so long to get these tests taken. I mean, I'm just putting off my raise. I'm just delaying me from getting more money.

I hope that if I can look at it that way, I'll get pretty fired up about it and want to compete to get prepared and past it just as quickly as possible! If I can pass the test, I'll get reimbursement from the class I took this summer and that could sure take care of a lot of Christmas.

Speaking of Christmas, I'm wondering if I can snag videos off of You Tube and burn them onto a CD or DVD. I have both. I'm just thinking about compiling some videos for a friend of mine (no one who reads this, sorry). I checked at WalMart tonight about pricing for something that she mentioned, and well, I'm not planning on spending that much on well, probably anyone who isn't in Softie's family.


MySpace searching

I'm really new to the MySpace searching. I was looking around and trying things out, but I wasn't having much luck finding anyone that I knew. There was this one lady who is married to a dude I was in 9th grade with. My sister graduated with his brother. So, I invited her to be my friend. She promptly declined my offer (snob! except that I totally deny people I don't know too!) So, I invited her husband. I sent a little message that said, "Hey buddy, we were on the track team together in 9th grade, and your bro knew my sis...we should catch up!" We'll see. The request remains in my pending folder. At least it's not been denied!

In a desperate attempt to find more people that I know, I logged into Classmates as Beth Notgonnasay. Yeah, I'm're proud (it's okay, I'll keep it between you and me, I promise!!) Anyway, I came across some people I knew, so I searched them in MySpace and I actually found someone that I totally had a crush on in JH and 9th grade (which was high school for me) .

He died Memorial weekend this year. What's that about? And he married the daughter of the car dealer who we bought all of our cars from. And I can't find a dang thing that's related to her. My sister was friends with her older brother and we were in the same grade between 6th and 9th grades. She was way cooler than me, but I found out once I didn't go to that school anymore, that she wasn't nearly the snob I'd thought she was.

I did discover that he drowned while trying to save someone that was stuck in a dam. He was with his brother and they both died. I'm not sure if the dude they were trying to save lived, but I don't think he did. At least it was doing something good for the world, not just some deranged disease that took over his body.

He was a youth pastor at a church in Lombard Illinois.

Yeah, I've cried a few times today. I think the fact that the tears had already spilled about my sister made it even easier for me to be sad about his death. Sometimes I make myself crazy (not sure if you've noticed). How can I cry about someone that I haven't seen or really even thought about in like, 15 years? And why is it the only person who I actually was successful in finding (when I was actually looking to find someone I knew) was freaking dead?

Maybe I'm just getting old. Man, they were only married for like 18 months. I never would have put the two of them together, but how sweet to think that after years and years of watching each other grow up and being close, they finally decided to become husband and wife? I can only imagine the angst inside of her. I want to reach out to her and tell her something....I have no idea what...but I want her to know that there's got to be a purpose bigger than we could know. But everything I think to say is just the crap that people have said to me (sorry people). The canned shit that we think makes death hurt less. Saying the "right thing" doesn't make anything hurt less. And when it's this close to holidays and first's without and all these sucky reminders that I'm not ever going to get another minute with my sister alive, I guess hearing that someone else the I know, or knew has to feel the same hurt in their heart. To feel the guilt to be alive. To not want to take in the next breath...I'm there today. I'll take my meds tomorrow.

things I learned today...

Today, I learned quite a bit from the minimann (not to be confused with the minivan).

I learned that there's potential concern that we might blow up if we eat too many marshmellows, but when you're 5, it's definitely worth a full on trial.

I learned that no matter what kinda trouble he's getting into, he "always does everything right." (this was total news to me!)

I learned that one of the machines in the other room is called a dryer, so obviously, the other machine is called a wetter. (duh!)

There are days when he's such a keeper! Today was one of those days.

Saturday, November 25, 2006


Okay, as if it's not troubling enough that we're sitting around on a Saturday morning watching MTV, Mr. Mann has the remote! This selection is his choice! You're surprised? You should be me sitting next to him!

So, there's two channels of MTV - not that this is news to many, but on one channel, it's the Sweet 16 birthday parties of the rich and terribly spoiled! On the other channel is a show called Two-A-Days. Can I just tell you how troubling the title of this show is to me? Trust me, there's plenty of sex happening in the football show, not that they actually film it, but there's rumors and break-ups.

Ahh, high school...oh the memories. Seriously, it totally felt like the end of the world when I was in high school. Like every single thing that happened was seriously the end of the world. Oh, and the love of our lives...didn't that happen in high school too? Remember when a month seemed like you'd been together forever! That relationship was the real deal~remember?

hmmmhm...sometimes it's fun to go back through the memories...but it's still strange to sit around watching MTV as a family.

Friday, November 24, 2006

Funny Kids

It's funny how the kids play sometimes. Mini Mann comes down with the blood pressure checker. He wants me to help him make it work on his arm, the way he just made it work on mine. I started to say my version of the real name of the blood pressure checker - the sphygnomononomomoneter. The Sweet One then nearly perfectly enunciates the word that someone made up just to create an extra credit point in medical schools the world over! I have to look at the word in order to even spell it right.


They never cease to amaze me!

lazy day...

This time off is the longest break I've had from work since January. And that break wasn't really for fun...just the death and burial of my sis. Anyway, guess what phenomenal things I've been doing with myself?

1. Sleeping - apparently, there's much to be made up!
2. Eating - a little. My tummy's kind of upset and I'm not sure why. I keep thinking that food will make it better, only to discover that I was wrong with that thinking. Hey, I'm off work, I should try to think less, don't you think?
3. Cleaning - Eww~yes, me! Cleaning...well, Sweetie definitely helped in the kitchen! She has a passion for floors!
4. Watching Softie sleep - He's not much of a napper generally, but today I believe that napping records have been broken. At 7:30 pm he's still not even dressed!
5. Hurting in my neck - and my favorite little massage therapist won't be back until Monday or Tuesday. It might help me to feel better if I could remember which day she said. The hope that's available from knowing when she's going to be back to work more on me, might make me feel a bit better.
6. Web surfing - mostly the policing of my sweetest girl's myspace. Well, that and checking out the sites associated with the coolest band I've ever known. (Okay, I've never actually known any other bands...but I think you've got to be the coolest ever)
7. Listening to my boys get along - I'm thinking that the virtually unending sounds of laughter today pretty much have blessed my little soul, dark and tortured as it is.
8. Thinking about things to blog - I'm kinda running on empty here. I'm sure there's great things to post about, the thoughts swim relentless inside, but the skill of pulling one out long enough to work through it fully is currently escaping me.
9. Updating my Flickr - There's actually 7 pics there...and I'm seriously considering putting more on too.
10. Planning Christmas gifts on NO budget. I'm seriously considering tearing up some old clothes and making stuff for people out of the fabric. Dress up for a 2 1/2 year old grandchild. Do you think that would suck?
11. Trying to imagine the time that would need to exist in order for me to actually make the gifts that I can't afford.
12. I'm still not sure where my Christmas tree will go. The new furniture we got this summer is kind of inhibiting the set up we've used in years past.

Dude! I just came up with 12 things that I've been doing on my supposedly lazy day! That doesn't actually seem all that lazy. I didn't even mention the several loads of laundry that I got done. Who is this person that writes in my place?? (kidding!!!)

Thursday, November 23, 2006


I know that today, we're supposed to be overwhelmingly thankful for everything under the sun, but I'm just not feeling it. Today, I'm wondering about things. (like today's any different than any other day, right?)

Anyway, why does so much have to change when someone dies? And how come death is so final? I know the heady reasoning, of course. But, the reality of it just keeps raising its evil little head. Today, before prayer, usually - for like, every year since I have memory in my mind, we go around the table and say what we're thankful for. Guess what? Apparently, now that my sister is dead, we don't have anything to be thankful for. My dad completely dodged the thing. During his prayer, he prayed about all the sick people in our family, but he didn't mention the GIGANTIC hole in the room. I cried during the whole prayer, well, from as soon as I realized that the subject was being completely avoided.

It wasn't until about 4 hours later that I couldn't stand it anymore. Mini Mann was on the phone with my cousin. Her dad is one of the sick people that my dad prayed for. I just looked around and said, "Does no one miss her?" My mom said that she did. That she missed how she probably would have stayed the night to prepare the meal with her this morning.

That's another funny thing to me. How is it, exactly, that people can remember things so differently from how they really happened? It's like there's some kind of a death amnesia that happens, sort of how you can't remember the actual pain of childbirth almost as soon as you're holding your baby. But that makes more sense to me, because you actually get something good from a baby being born. An amnesia affect that seems to have occurred in my mother's mind doesn't make the same sense to me. Unless, of course, she feels so guilty about how life really was that's she's happier because she can say that things were however she wants them to have been.

If there are those with insight, you're welcome to tell me anything you think might help me to understand this phenomenon.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

I'm DONE!!!

YAY!!! My work week is over! I'm so excited!! I got a call from my boss this afternoon and she told me not to come in tomorrow. Of course, we'll be available by phone, but I don't have to go in there and look at the walls, and answer the questions of the stupid people!

AHHHH.....see you work.....on MONDAY!!! 8-)

i suck!

I totally suck! I can't believe that I didn't post yesterday...would it help if I tried for some sympathy? I've been working crazy hours and last night when I got home, after 6:30, i took a little nap. Then I woke up and went upstairs to change my sheets...while carrying them downstairs, I started crying from the pain in my neck and back. Sheets?? Since when are sheets too heavy for me to carry? I'm a strong woman! Incredibly strong as things, this pain...I'm TOTALLY not okay with.

And, it has forced me completely out of competition.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

bass drum bootie

Yeah, I said Bass Drum Bootie! It's funny to me how sometimes, the little things that we say can end up making our day. I was just trying to get out of the way earlier tonight when I needed to back up from where I was to make room for someone else to get in and unlock a door. Well, apparently, my bass drum bootie is less of a bass drum these days...more of a tom...interesting.

Thanks for that. A compliment I wouldn't have expected coming from someone I never would have thought noticed. Yes, it's much smaller than it was last year this time, and I'm pretty proud of it. I usually only talk about it with girls, so it was pretty nice to hear someone else noticing.

I'll try to think of something really important to talk about tomorrow. Maybe I'll update my Flickr with more pics...

Saturday, November 18, 2006


I made it through my day today. After staying home with sick boys yesterday, I was rewarded with a wonderful opportunity to get out and spend my day working! I started at 8:00 and got home at almost 10:00. That's am and pm respectively. Needlesstosay, I'm very, very, very tired. I have nothing of substance to write about, but I'm glad I made it through today.

I was apparently in charge of my location from about 3:30 until 7:00 before I realized it! People started looking at me to tell them what to do next...I was thinking, "um, why are they looking at me like I'm in charge?" and then I realized it! I was IN CHARGE! Weird! I'm just a girl. I don't understand how I got to be in charge, but it was fun and I didn't suck at it!

My boss bought me a decaf egg nog latte and gave me a Starbucks gift card too. Not a bad ending to a very long day. Gosh, I hope the phones work on Monday.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Little Mann's rash

Hunter's rash
Originally uploaded by Everyone's crazy....
Oatmeal baths...apparently the relief is suppose to out weigh the clean-up required.

did I mention the rash??

Okay, it only took me about half an hour to figure the flickr thing out, but I think I got it. Enjoy the pic!
Oh, and I got it published before the end of the day! I will continue to remain as legit as possible.

Thursday, November 16, 2006


This has seriously been a season of rashes. In fact, since the littlest mann was born, he's had pretty sensitive skin. Always the one with the weird rashes that doctors have to look up in order to explain. Today was no different.

When we woke up this morning, I saw the beautiful sprout of a new rash. Since he's recently been treated for strep, I was not surprised to see a little scarletina, but by around 3:30, his babysitter became concerned. The rash spread during his nap. Even though she'd given him Benedryl to try to help, his mouth was beginning to be taken over by today's rash. I got off work as soon as I could, and by the time we got to the doctor's office, he looked like a poster child for "why we give kids immunizations". It was really ugly. The lady behind us in line at the pediatrician seriously took about 5 steps away from him once she saw his face. Good thing she didn't see his back!

Turning 5 has been an introduction to allergies for the little dude. The other two were so sick before they were 5. Once we moved them out of the dungeon of hell, my first apartment, they were no longer affected by these horrible creatures. But for him, it seems to be the opposite. We have a new agent to add to his list of allergies. In case you ever wonder, here's the list we've compiled since August. Grass, tomatoes, peanuts, smelly lotion, and now penicillins.

Good thing that Zithromax isn't made with penicillin! It's my favorite antibiotic. Only once a day for 5 days! There's lots less room for error with only once a day! YAY for me!

Wednesday, November 15, 2006


In light of my last post, I'm now thinking about the questions that never seem to have answers. And now that I'm ready to write about it, I can only think of one.

Why do I have great ideas and then when I want to remember what they are, why do they disappear? Does this mean something? Was it a bad idea in the first place? Are my great ideas so fleeting that they really don't even exist? Am I the only person who questions their thoughts? If I'm not, why don't I know more people who do? Is there something wrong with admitting to my questions of myself? Will I ever have an answer to that question? or any of these random questions that are currently spinning in my head?

Why does it always seem that everyone around me has it together while I'm barely holding on to the end of a rope, past the knot...where only the frayed ends remain? Why does it surprise people when I admit to not having it all together? Can they not see me? Do I not represent myself accurately? And if I do represent myself accurately, why is it not clear to those looking at me?

Why do I feel an instant need to fill gaps whereever I see them? When I hear that someone has stepped down from a position or that someone's husband will be out of town, I want to jump right in there and help to pick up any slack as a result of the need that appears to me to be there. What if there's not really a gap after all, but I've thumbed in somewhere that I shouldn't have. Why do I try to find ways to blame myself for other peoples decisions that affect others badly?

Why do I continuously ask these random questions?

something today...

I've got to think of something to talk about today. After all, I sort of slacked off a bit yesterday. I'm a big cheeseball - and I'm not afraid to admit it.

So, there was a huge windstorm and a funny little question was asked of me. This question is asked of me with an uncanny regularity. Always by different people, but the frequency is beginning to be a bit unnerving. Why is there a thought somewhere that I may have the answer to this crazy little question? Is there a perception that I have some kind of inside track with things that plug in, or things that power that which plugs in?

The question: Why is it that when the wind blows, the power goes out? All of the powerlines are underground, after all.

My final answer - I have no idea!

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

the things thinking does

Last night, I spent the better part of 3 hours working on a post. I have decided it will never be seen in this format. I was telling my friend about it, and I referred to it as chapter 3 or 4 in the book about my life. It might end up being a couple of chapters. I'd just have to expound in a couple of places where I maybe short changed the information available.

With that said, now I have to come up with something to post today. So, I'll dive back into my muse from yesterday just a bit.

While I was driving in my car yesterday after dropping my daughter off to babysit, I was thinking. Do you ever have the opportunity to do something really bad that you don't do? I mean, there's opportunity, time, motive, availability. Truly, everything seems to have aligned for you to get away with it. But then, for some reason, you just decide not to do it.

Monday, November 13, 2006


How does napping work? I have always loved taking naps. When my daughter was young, she hated napping. I tried to convince her that it was like getting to start the day over again in the middle of it. She fell for it which was good then. She loves napping now!

I love napping so much! I'm not sure if I was right when I told her that, but it sort of makes sense. I mean, if you sleep long enough. Most times, I'm more rested after napping than after sleeping all night long. My dreams are very often better. I fall asleep faster, too!

I can't help but wonder how it works.

Sunday, November 12, 2006


I was just checking my email today, and low and behold! A comment from someone who I've never met. Blogging is a new little sport for me. A challenge that I am attempting to meet. A new community to share literary expression with. And I'm sharing it with my daughter.

She actually started blogging long before it was cool. She's actually got a number of places where she posts, but she's reactivated her blogspot in honor of sharing ideas and thoughts in a place where her moma does.

It's really wonderful to watch her grow. I am so in awe of her love for Christ and her complete trust in Him. Yes, she has her moments when she's down on herself, but that's what 14 is all about. I'm so excited to see her life unfold. I'm honored to have this opportunity as her mother. To watch her from this perspective.

Motherhood is really rewarding once you get through the elementary years.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

thinking again

I'd like to get away. I've been imagining a vacation spot that I'd like to be at and here's a little list of the requirements I've come up with so far:

1. Secluded
2. Must offer warmth (either inside or out)
3. Child free
4. No cell service
5. Wireless internet connectivity

I think I've narrowed it down. I'll be in my closet with a blanket...check on me in 3 days if you haven't seen me by then. I'll probably be thirsty.

sharing grammar

Something funny happened earlier today. My daughter and I have reached a new level of closeness. It was so funny to me and I knew that I my one reader would really enjoy!!

So, we woke up pretty leisurely this morning. With prompting it happened around 12:15. The we I speak of is the sweetest little girl in the world and myself. So, she came upstairs and we were hanging out in my bed.

She decided to tell me a little story about something that happened yesterday with her smallest brother. She was very happy when she started to tell it and then she said, "(chuckle) I love grammar!" It was WONDERFUL in my heart. She blessed me on SO MANY levels!! It ended up that she discovered a pun during an interaction with the little mann. Something about hunting.

The best part happened when I was laughing with her and told her that her story was so "punny"! I can't remember seeing her laugh like that in a VERY long time! Apparently, she'd learned about puns, but never heard the term 'punny'. I think it hit her in a pretty funny spot.

And the relationship continues, with the new dimension of grammar added in...the closeness grows. Now, if I could only teach her how to spell without spellchecker (as I spell check - HA!).


Do you ever just want to cry but no matter how bad you want it, it doesn't happen? Sometimes I know why this happens, but sometimes I don't. Today would be a day that I don't. Well, I sorta do, but I'm not digging the explanation very much.

My medication keeps me going through my days. It keeps me upright and living, but it also tends to take away some of the rawness of my feelings. When I say that, what I mean is that I can think things through easier when I'm on it, and it's at the right dosage. But when I maybe want to actually feel something about the things I think about, the crying is somehow blocked.

I even tried looking at pictures of my sister to create some precipitation...there was a bit of fog, but no real tears. I tried talking about money, but all that brought out was frustration and fear. Not really tears. Today, I want to cry. There's a lot in my heart. I don't think tears are very often the solution, but I'm thinking that it may help to alleviate the gigantic lump in my throat. Who knows, maybe I'm just getting Hunter's strep...maybe I don't really need a good cry after all.

Friday, November 10, 2006

the week is over!

So, I made it through the week. Lots of things happened that I knew would, while even more things happened that I had no idea were coming. I mean, maybe I knew it on some level, but I had chosen or simply ran out of the brain power to keep it all straight.

I went to a concert tonight. It was this really rocking band that my super cool friend is a part of. They were in the studio all this week and I think it was an awesome climax to the week. The cream filling, if you will. The concert was awesome, the venue was cool. The weather fit in perfectly with the week...very, very, very wet!

It was an incredible concert in part because of feeling like I was a part of the process. Not in a really part of the process way, but in a nearby observance of the process. And when I heard the new songs, I wanted to cry...thank GOD I'm on enough medication to keep that from happening.

So, anyway, they pretty much Rocked!!!! Plus, I got to hear their new album! Fricken SWEET!

Love ya guys!! You're the bomb!! Thanks for letting me be near and live a little through y'all.

Thursday, November 9, 2006

tired and cold

I'm so tired and cold, but I've made a committment to blog everyday this month. I'm putting off a warm bed before 11:3o, precipitated by my husband so that I can not fall off the wagon. I was thinking, there's a couple of posts that I haven't posted yet, but I thought that might be cheating. So, here it is...100% original material.

I worked at one of our imaging centers all day. Apparently, they seem to operate in an intesively insensitive manner with regard to the fact that 90% of the people who come in there have to take their clothes off. It was a freaking ice box in there all day long. I can't wait to get back to my office and turn the heat up so high that it makes me sweat! I love my office alone time. Heat! No one there to complain.

I might even take the car to work tomorrow, since it heats up so much faster.

Well, to all of my non-readers (since I'm operating completely unadvertised~though it is something I'm considering)...i've done it. The post for today is complete. Whoever determines whether or not a post counts or not, please count this one. It's original. It's real. It's just not really exciting or even a little interesting. But it's here...I'm still in the game.

hugs and kisses....

Wednesday, November 8, 2006

is it Friday yet?

I thought the week was full enough, and then I get a call in the middle of Safeway. Apparently, my brother in law has been trying to get ahold of us for a little over a week. He'll be here tomorrow and he's not sure when he'll be leaving.

I guess that means he'll see the mess. I have nothing extra with which to clean or straighten, or pick up even a single sock! Meetings all day, every day this week. Even a meeting tonight. Although, I did have an amazing opportunity to use my professional writing skills today. I got to write a scathing email to a whole corporation! And, it's not going to just fall on deaf corporate ears. Something's gonna have to happen as a result of my email. Heads will roll. DUDE! Sometimes I make me so proud of myself.

And then there's the conference that I got to have with the littlest's kindergarten teacher. Poor woman. She's really a wonderful creature, and yet, she has my son in her class. Apparently, he's pretty good with the social stuff and she's "very impressed with the confidence he has in himself". The only thing he could work to improve on is DOING WHAT HE'S TOLD! um...yer kiddin' me! I had no idea that was a problem!

There's part of me that feels glad that he shows others what a little creepo he can be. Then the other part of me is COMPLETELY embarrassed and 100% convinced that he's just practicing for PRISON. He'll be the good looking, gay dude who makes all the other boys in the jail do whatever he says.

I think he'd better toughen up a bit. He's actually kinda puny when it comes to putting his money where his mouth is. He probably thinks he's pretty tough since he can sometimes take his big brother down, but is it really fair to practice on the disabled? I think not. I hope he gets his butt kicked at school or somewhere, anywhere would be fine with me. He needs to learn that he's not the biggest fish in the pond.

I'm sure that a better mom might think that that is her JOB. I'm not sure it'll be possible with the parental unit he was born into. Softy and the meany. M is for Meany. M is for Mom. (in case you weren't sure who was who in the unit) We might need to go to some "love and logic" training together so that Softy will begin to see my process working through other people who clearly know more than me. You can have done this before, but that doesn't necessarily mean you did it right, right? Look at his kids and look at mine (the bigger two).

I hope we can get the mini-mann to end up more like mine than his.

Oh, wait! There's time to think about that later. I just want it to be Friday.

Tuesday, November 7, 2006

the fam

It's funny when you're growing up and you're pretty sure that your family is the most jacked up unit in the whole world. That there's no one who probably has to deal with the crap that you do in your house. That your parents are completely out of their mind and intent on making your life miserable!

Guess what? At some point, earlier than others for some of us, the fact is that we create that environment for our own kids. The reality is that our parents probably weren't the most miserable part of our family. It's actually the kids! I try to make everyone happy and keep things flowing, but inevitably, little creatures start invoking their will into our plans for them and ARGH!! No wonder parents seem crazy!!

I'll try not to rip out the limbs of the small ones. I keep them free of marks...visible ones anyway! Nah! They're great and I love 'em! They make me crazy, for certain, but they'll be the crazy parents before long!

Hee hee hee!!!

Monday, November 6, 2006

Big week

I thought last week was a big week, but after today, I'm thinking that I haven't seen anything yet. Set up, connectivity, creating templates for training, updating the intranet, in between solving problems and putting out fires for my software. And that was before lunch!

Ugh! I hope that I'll be able to keep up with this. I just found out that one of my upgrades will probably not be happening until Friday, instead of Wednesday, but I'll still have to test it fully before it can be installed in the live environment. The phone training started today and it was boring as hell!

And with the rain...there needs to be some kind of a ray of hope for me. Ah yes, my blog! I was a little too busy at work today to try to come up with something to write about, so that's why you're getting this pretty boring little post about mostly nothing. I know I'm not the only busy person, especially this week. So, I'll keep my friends in my prayers and try to get as much sleep as possible.

Sunday, November 5, 2006


Oversharing. I was told earlier today that sometimes I do this. In fact, this person actually said that occasionally, he's just going to throw me a BIG O, just so I know that it's happened again.

I'll try to keep that in mind the next time I put on lip gloss!

Have a great time in the studio this week, WoV!! I'll see you all when you come back into the land of the living. I'll miss you while you're busy with each other.

Saturday, November 4, 2006

a list

Here's a list of some things one might have done in his or her lifetime: the ones I've done are highlighted and I put little parenthetical notes beside some of them. It's kind of long but it's interesting--and we all know it's fun to learn new things about each other!

If you decide to post this on your blog, leave a comment with a link to it!

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain (outside Gatlenburg, TN-not in the Rockies)
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. what goes here??
08. Said “I love you” and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise.
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a major sports game (White Sox, Mariners, Sonics)
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables (with my daddy)
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars (there's always some sort of cover involved, something about bugs)
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon (no, but there used to be a troop that would take off from the field behind my house when I was little. Early Sunday mornings - it was really cool)
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne (eww, I think desperation would need to be involved. I have to drink just to deal with the taste of that crap!)
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster (bring it!)
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking (with pre-schoolers or after drinking)
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day (it was actually a couple of weeks after a trip to Oklahoma)
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk. (yes, someone other than myself)
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign (from someone who stole it from the street)
46. Backpacked in Europe.
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing (thank God I lived! Stupid dude behind me pulled on my leg to save himself! Who does that?)
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love (what about your kids after they can talk?)
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs (They're in a flip book at least.)
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke (Donnie-O-Kee!!)
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain (in a pool is WAY better)
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken (what about your kids before they can talk?)
69. Toured ancient site
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch (if you want my recipe, I memorized it when I was 10)
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas (honeymoon)
86. Recorded music (off the radio, babey!!!)
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date (Is this something that doesn't happen much?)
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently well enough to have a decent conversation (this is funny to me. I've listened in on Spanish conversations where they were talking about me and I responded back to them. does that count?)
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised (raising) children (child) (x3)
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour (WoV Baby!!)
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge (I drove over it...probably not as cool, but I was only 18. It was an accomplishment to me at the time)
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking (When people watch, I think they want to see more!)
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. Written articles for a large publication (This is the world-wide-web, right?)
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart (good times...)
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show (do dreams count?)
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse (I hope there are horses in heaven. I've heard there's no allergies there!)
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours (I wish this could happen more!)
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat (after a story my husband tells, I'm not sure we all haven't-something about McDonald's and "Australian Beef" and the FDA.)
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad (and the Odyssey)
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read.
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating (fish is an animal, right?)
137. Skipped all your school reunions (so far so good!)
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language (crazy deaf kids!)
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ (is this what we did last night?)
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident (I've actually only been hit once-the rest, I caused. Yes, I caused the collision with a cop)
150. Saved someone’s life

Friday, November 3, 2006


So, it's pretty late. I was over at my wonderful friend's house working with her technology. She's the bomb. It's so awesome to spend time with her. Even though she's a relatively new friend in my life, sometimes it freaks both of us out just exactly how much the same we are. I mean, who else admits to thinking things the way we do with each other. She is definitely a gift in my life! Just when I needed it!

Consequently, she's also the challenger for this little blogging endeavor. So, when I saw that it was 11:11 and realized that I only had 49 minutes to post today, we kicked it into high gear to make it home in time to post! I can't fall out of the competition only 3 days in. Although, I think it might suck just a little more if I make it through to the 27th or something and then miss a day! ARGH! That cannot happen!

Thank you my sweet friend, for your time and your technology!! And thank you God, for bringing her to me!!

Thursday, November 2, 2006

the question of the day

I went to my grief group tonight and an interesting question was asked. How has my life has changed since my loved one died? Interesting. Not something that I felt I could do justice with the 10 minutes allowed to respond. I couldn't think of a single way to explain my way through, or feel my way out of all that happens in my heart as a result of my sister's death. Maybe I can get a good start on it here...

I'm different because...

I used to be the middle, and now the older book end on my siblingness is gone. I'm not the oldest, just the oldest living. There's a part of me that's not sure how my left cover is supposed to stay standing. The other book end, my little brother, is a little too far removed in my opinion. He's convinced that I'm not well for taking her death so hard. His opinion is that I should just remember the good times and move on. If she were here, she'd tell me he's just immature or something, or she'd try to play the devil's advocate to show me a new way to look at his perspective. That devil's advocate crap always pisses me off. Unfortunately, my little bro apparently got that gene too! It's his favorite little argument tool.

To me, the devil's advocate game seems more like arguing for the sake of arguing - not arguing to defend your point of view. Interestingly, I'm always right which makes the devil's advcocate game impossible! I need to win arguments. I need to be right! Because I am, don't you know? It's exhausting to go up against a devil's advocate person because I find that I'm just explaining my perspective in so many different ways until the silly argue-er sees it my way and realizes that I'm right! Okay, maybe that's another post all together.

I'm different because my constant life mirror is gone. The mirror from the beginning of my life...the one that was always there. We shared a bed for years. We shared crushes on boys. We shared secrets. Oh, the secrets! I'm different because I don't have her to share them with. I cry almost every time I realize that I've told a secret to someone that I can't tell to her. I'm angry that I can't tell her. I'm sad that I can't tell her. I miss her.

So, about the mirror - I want to say more about this, but I didn't see a place to put more into that last paragraph. Not only did we share every day of my life until she didn't anymore, I knew who I was because I knew who she was and I knew that she knew who I was. I didn't have to be fake with her, even when she was sick, and in my being real there was no explainations necessary. She knew where I came from and all that I'd ever done, and now she doesn't, and she can't, and she never will be that life mirror again. Even if I imagined that somehow she were still a reflective source from which I could draw opinions about who I am, the reality is that I'm different than the mirror I knew and it's not fair to ME to draw relation from something that is not changing alongside me.

It's at this point that I realize that the metafore of a mirror is not good. Because at no point is a mirror actually capable of changing in the way that a life does. The room that the mirror is in can be different, but the mirror is the same. Her life was dynamic and it feels a little like using a mirror diminishes her impact. The impact her life had on the whole world, whether or not she knew it before she got to lunch with God.

I cry so much since she died. I mean, most times I'm good. I'm functioning at a pretty high level. Most people who see me probably don't know what a mess it is inside my brain. I think I pull off life pretty well. But, when I think about how I feel because my sister died, I'm so sad. I feel broken when I think about all of this. I haven't been able to figure out whether or not that means I'm doing this grief right or not. Like, is it that when I'm living life and not sad or thinking about her that I'm in denial and that how I feel when I think about how I feel is really where I'm at in my grief journey ~ I don't know. It's a pretty shady place when I start thinking about thinking too much.

I prefer just living.

Wednesday, November 1, 2006

something new

So, it's a new toy, this blog. I've been in and out all day long looking for comments or something. Funny thing, though...this is supposed to be a quiet, dark place for me to vent out the darkest places of my heart. I'm thinking, why would someone comment here? I'm probably hoping, more than anything, that no one will ever read this! But, then the voyeur in me perhaps hopes that someone will read. I've only told a couple of people that I've started this blog. Of course, one of them is my daughter. There goes the free-wheeling vent land I had so hoped for. NAH! She'll be okay with it...she knows me "inside and out" as she says.

the first pic!

~~ah HA~~accomplished do i feel~~


So, I'm giving this a try...blogging. Maybe when I'm not working, I'll have more time to actually say something important or notable at least.