I just feel like I should write

The other day, I had the awesome pleasure of talking to my mom on my drive home from work. We talked about all sorts of things, but one thing really stuck out to me. I feel that it's important enough that I go ahead and process through some of it here, where processing feelings seems to have fallen by the wayside.

She and I were talking about grief. About how difficult it still is for her to make it through periods of time since Michelle died. Sometimes, the sadness envelopes her and removes her ability to sleep, or eat, or want to just do normal things. She talked about how sometimes the sadness just swims in her head and she finds it difficult to stop thinking all sorts of things.

I was reminded of myself when she was talking. I remembered when I started this blog how I'd write and write about my sadness. I would type and think and process and cry and just get out a bunch of feelings. I told her about how writing, here, really helped me with getting out some of my feelings and moving through my grief. I told her that even though sometimes it was so hard to write, I would force myself to. I told her that those times would get out some of the truest, heart soothing thoughts. The hardest posts to write were the most healing by far.

It's been a really long time since I've just sat here and vented out feelings. When I was talking to her, I really felt whole and settled in my heart. Healed.

There are certainly lots of moments in my days that don't feel like that at all. Lots of days in my weeks that barely resemble the way I felt that night on the phone with my mom. I go through these days thinking that I've got things together, but then sometimes, out of nowhere, something is said and it hits me just right (or wrong), on a day where there's very little of me left and I realize that I'm probably not as healed up and healthy as I'd like to be.

When I spend the better part of the evening crying because I can't sort out where the anger really stems from, I'm pretty sure that I should write. Because there I'll be, sitting there, swimming in a mess of thoughts, and what do I do? Avoid. Disconnect. Grow more angry at myself for all of the things that ... Sleep.

I need to write. That's what I need to do.

What I've learned about myself while driving

The last couple of weeks, I've spent about 4 hours a day on the road, driving to and from a site where I've been providing onsite post-upgrade support. The onsite time has been intense. The drives have proven to be both exhillarating and interesting.

There are those in my circle who have expressed concern about all the driving I've been doing, but really it's been quite a joy. I've been learning all sorts of things about myself and I've had some time to talk to friends and get to know the I-75 corridor.

There are lots little conversations that I've had with myself...eerrrrr...the cars around me. Speeding, little car, single-serving friends. Oddities that I've seen.

Pretty much, it's all come to one conclusion - I need to find a word. This word would plainly describe the sense of discrimination that I apparently harbor against stupid cars. More often than not, these cars are from stupid states with strange accents (maybe I've super-imposed the accents into the conversations that I have silently with the cars around me). Also, of note, the stupid cars are generally older - though not always. Sometimes, what makes a car stupid is that there's more likely than not, some sort of q-tip driving it (see - Buick, Impala or Town Car). I feel that it's important to identify what sort of specific discrimination I harbor as a sort of punishment for being so judgemental.

I would like the record to reflect, that through the process of identifying my own personal short-coming, I actually am rather amused by myself and do not intend to cease my behavior. It's just me and my car. It's my entertainment during the long driving hours. It's actually what makes it so much fun for me.

A New Year...

It's another new year. I rang it in in the usual way. Much rest was certainly required on the 1st. I had an awesome day of resting on the couch with my girlie. The boys enjoyed the sunshine outside and rode bikes. It was an awesome day.

But there was change a'brewing...something in the air.

Several months ago, I took some pictures. I called them the befores. Today, I should be able to present the afters with very little effort. You see, in an effort to downsize and react marginally to the economic changes in our family's life, I've found a new place to live. It's an apartment just down the road a bit. A little closer into town. A lot less a month.

The only downside is that our current home needs to sublease out the remainder of my contract. I talked to my landlord and he was very understanding. He's listed the house on the website where we found it and there was to be a showing this morning.

Sweetie worked her butt off yesterday and I came home from the office and pitched right in. Not only can I now park a car in the garage, the laundry's nearly done. All the bedrooms are clean. I can't imagine that I'm about to admit to this, but with a couple of groceries in the house, I just might qualify myself as an actual, real-life grown up.

Weird. Me. A Grown Up. In Real Life!