Saturday, May 3, 2008

A little self reveal

This is the post where I tell you about the crazy places I live in.

These places are all in my mind (thus the URL).

I really do live on a tenuous string of sanity. I manage pretty well from day to day with the ever present help of my chemical romance, Zoloft. I joke heartily of the need for meds each day, but the reality is that I require medication to function. This reality breaks me sometimes. I absolutely hate the meds. HATE...HATE. HATE!

The saneness you think you see in me, where you think I'm as normal as you, is 100% due to my medication.

My need for medication really pisses me off.

I've been consulted by people about the whole "should I take meds" thing and my response is always the same. "Taking medication to affect change in the chemical imbalances in the brain that cause functional changes is the same thing as a diabetic person who takes insulin. It's nothing to fight. It's just a necessary thing!"

Funny, that when the rubber met the road for me recently, I found myself complaining about how AWFUL it is that I have to take STUPID medication just so I can get up in the morning and even then barely think straight to someone. I confided my hatred for my meds with a new friend of mine. This friend has type I diabetes and has been on insulin since the age of 12. I was quickly informed by this friend that I was talking to the wrong person about not liking the reality that I require a chemical to sustain normalcy. The reality that I can even take meds, when someone like my Middle Mann has no choice but to endure life as it rolls toward him, should comfort me more than piss me off.

Lately, I'm not convinced that Zoloft will be my life long friend. Or least not the at dosage that I'm curently on.

My world has been rocked recently. The rocking action that knocked me down from my string of sanity is really just a little thing. Just a simple email, probably sent with the best of intentions, but an email that rocked me nonetheless.

I try to learn from everything. A situation. A circumstance. A relationship. A song. Right now, I'm learning not to hate the meds, and I'm learning how to better prepare for the unforeseen mental side swipe that can strike from nowhere.


  1. MEDS ARE GOOD. lexapro is my friend. don't feel bad. in addition (i mean addiction) to the happy pills, i also have to take $5 worth of drugs a day just so i have the ability to breathe. i'm on a first name basis with the guy at walgreens.

  2. Several years ago, with much apprehension, I went on Paxil for a few months. It was only temporary, and I'm so glad I did. It helped get me out of a rut, and I learned to sleep better, too. I can completely understand the angst related to being on meds, and the whole stigma surrounding it. Once I saw how it benefited me for that time in my life, I never thought the same way about it! I say, hallelujah for meds! One other thought: I really believe in therapy coupled with meds, so the core issues of the emotional disturbances can be dealt with. Then, I really think that there is a big possibility of not needing the meds after that. That's just what I've concluded about it, because I've seen people go on meds, and never deal with their stuff that probably caused the problems they were having in the first place. So, then, when they try to go off meds, their "stuff" is still there and they have to go back on them again. I think meds are extremely helpful for allowing a person to cope with digging down to the deep issues in order to clear them out for good. It's hard work, but worth it, I think. My two cents again...