Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Ya know what? That's what!

I've hit a bit of a stopping point in the rush that has been the months since the beginning of the year. Busy has been the order of every day.

I've spent some time in the last few days doing some self-examination. Maybe bullets would be best for the next section.
  • I am a very capable person.
  • I think I can do more than the average person in a day.
  • I am often convinced that my value is completely based on what I can accomplish.
  • I despise lists.
  • Once I feel the beginnings of wasted time in my life, I find myself making lists of what I've done so that I can give myself credit for feeling tired or busy or wasteful of time.
  • Then I begin to despise myself for making the above mentioned list.
  • Then I think, "Why are you so compelled, self, to get credit. Just get stuff done."
  • Then I think, "Dude?! I am getting stuff done! Check out the list!?!"
  • Then I think, "What's up with you thinking that your value is based solely on what you accomplish and get credit for?"

Well, I think you probably get the picture. I get knotted up having expectations for people that they simply cannot meet. Not due to any short coming on their part, but because I am downright, unreal. I don't know how to effectively just be okay with myself for what I do nor do I know how to be okay if there I things I'm not awesome at getting done.

So, this last couple of days, I've been working hard on getting out of the self-centered cycle and onto the reality that I'm a decent enough person. I work hard. Other people work hard. They sleep with a clear conscience and so. can. I. I'm not, in fact, valued because of what I can get done, at least not by the measurers that count (people that I love and that love me) in the long run. All they care about is if I love them.

I do!! I do love them!!! Hooray for me!! The pressure's off!!!

Now, if I can only make a habit of THAT line of thinking...

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