I've spent some time in the last few days doing some self-examination. Maybe bullets would be best for the next section.
- I am a very capable person.
- I think I can do more than the average person in a day.
- I am often convinced that my value is completely based on what I can accomplish.
- I despise lists.
- Once I feel the beginnings of wasted time in my life, I find myself making lists of what I've done so that I can give myself credit for feeling tired or busy or wasteful of time.
- Then I begin to despise myself for making the above mentioned list.
- Then I think, "Why are you so compelled, self, to get credit. Just get stuff done."
- Then I think, "Dude?! I am getting stuff done! Check out the list!?!"
- Then I think, "What's up with you thinking that your value is based solely on what you accomplish and get credit for?"
Well, I think you probably get the picture. I get knotted up having expectations for people that they simply cannot meet. Not due to any short coming on their part, but because I am downright, unreal. I don't know how to effectively just be okay with myself for what I do nor do I know how to be okay if there I things I'm not awesome at getting done.So, this last couple of days, I've been working hard on getting out of the self-centered cycle and onto the reality that I'm a decent enough person. I work hard. Other people work hard. They sleep with a clear conscience and so. can. I. I'm not, in fact, valued because of what I can get done, at least not by the measurers that count (people that I love and that love me) in the long run. All they care about is if I love them.
I do!! I do love them!!! Hooray for me!! The pressure's off!!!
Now, if I can only make a habit of THAT line of thinking...