I've tried avoiding it for as long as I could, but the smallest mann made it nearly impossible to avoid for another minute. The Christmas Tree is up, lit, and decorated. It's looking a little bit more like December in here.
For me, it has been a day of tears. Some mixed with memories. Some with sadness. Some with all of the other emotions that are wrapped up inside this time of year.
When I picked up the Sweet One from band practice earlier, I started crying again. She's so sweet. She asked me what was wrong, and I told her there was nothing wrong. She didn't drop it or try to avoid it or think that I was telling the truth for a second. She does that, ya know? Encourages the truth out of you when you really want to appear stronger than that. I love her!
So, I admitted to her that Christmas really brings to mind that Michelle has been gone for nearly a year. That Christmas was the last day that we shared where she had her wits about her. From late in the day forward, she started down the slippery slope of mental deterioration.
I miss her. I love her. I don't know what Christmas is going to be like without her. And though I know I can't stop Christmas from happening, I'm not sure how I'll make it through.
I was reading another blog where the author's dad died a little more than a month ago. He's so positive that his dad is happy and looking down with smiles and all this good stuff.
That seems so, um, fake. I don't think he wants to come off that way. I know that I've not hidden my feelings about going to heaven. I'm thinking that spending time watching earth is not something I'll be doing. I'm pretty sure that the grandure of Heaven will be so superior to this place, that I'll probably not even think much about life before death.
My thoughts about life after death - even though I'm certain it will be much better than life on earth - do not make it very easy for me face the upcoming season without Michelle.
Anyway, that's what's in my head today.