Saturday, December 2, 2006

Christmas trees and memories

I've tried avoiding it for as long as I could, but the smallest mann made it nearly impossible to avoid for another minute. The Christmas Tree is up, lit, and decorated. It's looking a little bit more like December in here.

For me, it has been a day of tears. Some mixed with memories. Some with sadness. Some with all of the other emotions that are wrapped up inside this time of year.

When I picked up the Sweet One from band practice earlier, I started crying again. She's so sweet. She asked me what was wrong, and I told her there was nothing wrong. She didn't drop it or try to avoid it or think that I was telling the truth for a second. She does that, ya know? Encourages the truth out of you when you really want to appear stronger than that. I love her!

So, I admitted to her that Christmas really brings to mind that Michelle has been gone for nearly a year. That Christmas was the last day that we shared where she had her wits about her. From late in the day forward, she started down the slippery slope of mental deterioration.

I miss her. I love her. I don't know what Christmas is going to be like without her. And though I know I can't stop Christmas from happening, I'm not sure how I'll make it through.

I was reading another blog where the author's dad died a little more than a month ago. He's so positive that his dad is happy and looking down with smiles and all this good stuff.

That seems so, um, fake. I don't think he wants to come off that way. I know that I've not hidden my feelings about going to heaven. I'm thinking that spending time watching earth is not something I'll be doing. I'm pretty sure that the grandure of Heaven will be so superior to this place, that I'll probably not even think much about life before death.

My thoughts about life after death - even though I'm certain it will be much better than life on earth - do not make it very easy for me face the upcoming season without Michelle.

Anyway, that's what's in my head today.


  1. Hi there! You don't know me but I am Lisa's (The Girl's Moma) cousin. I lost my mother almost 5 years ago. The first holiday season was really hard for me. In fact every holiday season is still hard. I guess I have gotten used to her not being here but it isn't any easier. In fact this year when I put my Christmas tree up, I too was teary eyed off and on all day. I know your pain and I will be praying for you during this hard time!

    Take Care and God Bless!


  2. Hi Beth,

    I read your blog right after you sent me the link. Ive thought rather hard on what I could say that might bring you some comfort. You and your family mean so much to me, so your sadness profoundly affects me.

    I thought back to when my great grandmother passed away and a poem that someone gave me. While I do not know what it is like to lose a sister, as I am an only child, I know the pain of losing someone you love very much.

    This poem is simplistic in nature, but its message is very true. I love you.

    Dont think of her as gone away--her journey's just begun, Life hold so many facets--this earth is only one. Just think of her as resting from the sorrows and the tears in a place of warmth and comfort where there are no days and years. Think how she must be wishing that we could know today how nothing but our sadness can really pass away. And think of her as living in the hearts of those she touched... for nothing loved is ever lost--and she was loved so much.