Backwards Hot Water

Have you ever had the water knobs on a sink installed wrong? Have you ever turned the knob on the right and gotten hot water instead of cold?

Well, since we moved that's what happens every morning when I brush my teeth.

It might seem strange to just now be noting this here, seeing as how it has been fully 4 months that we've lived here, but the impacts of this little switcheroo are becoming greater and greater every. single. day!

Trying to learn a new habit in my bathroom has created a little tiny problem in the rest of my sink usage. In the sink usage I participate in every time I use a sink other than the one in my bathroom.

Yes. It's as though I'm just learning that there is consistancy in the world when it comes to sinks and the faucet configuration. I find myself doubting whether or not it'll be cold or hot whenever I turn on the water. I've even found myself waiting and waiting for the hot water to get hot...all the while pushing nothing but cold through the pipes.

It's a silly thing really. It could be corrected very easily. I just don't feel like doing it first thing in the morning and I don't remember to do it later since I'm not using it again until first thing the next morning.

But I do find it very interesting that there can be so much "fallout" just because there's one sink in my life that's not quite right. Maybe, just maybe, now that I've written about this, I'll remember to switch out the inputs later in the day. Maybe I'll even ask Softie to do it for me.

Hhhmmmm...there really are so many options, aren't there?

Outsider

I forced out those last two posts. My heart is a little broken right now. I can't fix anything and I don't feel a whole lot of value in myself at the moment.

Selfishly, I feel like I've blown everything for everyone and that it's all my fault.

I'm so sorry. I'm void. I'm empty and valueless. I'm sorry that you possibly felt differently.

and...I really miss my sister.

I love you, Michelle.
I wish I had you here to talk me down from
this gross place in my heart.
You always loved me.
Told truth to me.
Were honest with me.
And yet above all that,
you truly truly loved me.

And the grand finale of them all...

We woke up about 2 hours after we went to sleep so that we could grab the 6am flight out of Gainsville. R had to be back in town to pick her son up at a baseball game by 1:00 in the afternoon.

Unfortunately, the airport didn't know how tight her schedule was. We were slated to get back into town by 10:45 am dependent completely upon our 6:00 am departure.

The plane didn't show up to take us back to Atlanta in the morning. Instead, a caravan of taxis was waiting for us outside. They drove us to Jacksonville for an 8:30 departure. We weren't going to get home until 5 minutes to 1. Much too late for R to be able to get her son from his game.

During the drive, several crazy thoughts went through my mind. I'd never been in a taxi filled with other people I didn't know. There was the woman in the front seat who was going to visit her dying brother in Indiana. The family of 3 in the back, the youngest of which was probably in her late teens. She seemed to work for Disney or something. She talked endlessly about the different characters and all kinds of crazy back story. Meanwhile, I sat in the middle seat in the middle row of this van taxi. I had a perfect view of the speedometer.

At one point, I leaned over to R and said, "I find myself wondering - if we were to wreck, who would be responsible? The taxi company or the airline for putting us on this taxi." She disregarded my notion, but I realized that she wasn't looking at that dang speedometer. We were flying in a taxi through northern Florida. It was only 90 sometimes 95 miles per hour.

The flights were okay. I slept some and finished my book. Started another. Softie picked me up at the airport with Little Mann who had apparently been up most of the night puking all over. At least the sheets were already in the wash.

I made it home and gave out the silly gifts I'd picked up. Then I hit the couch and slept. and slept. and slept. oh! and slept.

Softie did an amazing job this week with the kids and I appreciate that more than I have words to express. Thanks baby!

Thursday and Friday...

Thursday and Friday were long from start to finish. They were full of training and testing new features in my fabulous software. It's not really my software, but it was so much fun to be there with the people who actually write the functions into it. And so much of the time, the suggestions that are made by my company are actually written in. And sometimes, our wildest dreams come to life before our very eyes.

We had been challenged to try and break the software. There were a couple little bugs. We didn't make it break like they made it break during one part of the preview. There was one time when the whole thing crashed. They didn't click on that button again during our preview. It's good to know that those things happen to them. It helps me to trust that they can fix it when it's broken. And that they will believe us when we tell them it's broken.

It doesn't break often, though. Well, too often.

We were asked to dinner both evenings and that led to fun way into the evening. Lots of fun with lots of new friends.

Amazing fun!

Not enough sleep to be sure!

Wednesday started early!

After my wonderful escapades in the bathroom during the late hours of the night and into the early morning, I awoke at an early 4:15am in order to ensure my readiness for my trip. It was really quite an honor being selected and I didn't want to blow it by looking unprofessional or anything.

My dad arrived promptly at 5:10, though unfortunately we did run into a bit of traffic on our way. We ended up about 5 minutes late to the Park and Ride where I met my former boss for our trip to the airport.

I realized quickly that I might have packed too much, certainly in comparison to what she'd packed. But this was my first trip for work.

On our way through security, my biggest fear was realized. The man who was checking ID indicated clearly that my ID was expired. "No, No, NO!" I said with fear laced in every letter of each syllable that I spoke. Terror raced through my blood and left me rather weak in the knees. R thought it was hilarious! But I was terrified. For REAL.

He said that if I had another form of ID it'd be okay. I showed him my Visa card and he let me through. That was it. All that fear for nothing! Whew~~

The woman in the line at security made a little fun of me when I asked if I needed to pull out my curling iron since it was metal and all. Apparently, that type of metal isn't important. Thank goodness I hadn't rigged up some illegal device in my curling iron!

We made onto the plane and I took my pain killers and found myself reading a book. Thank you, TGM for the suggestion. It was very engaging, in spite of my heavy eyes. Eventually the sleepy from the medicine took over and I succumbed to the need for sleep. As long as I wasn't trying to adjust myself in my seat, my pain wasn't too intolerable.

We arrived in Atlanta about 5 hours after take off. That's a really long time. I ended up sleeping a couple of times and reading about 3/4's of the book. Our layover wasn't too bad. It was about 2 hours and I hadn't eaten all day. It was a beautiful day in Atlanta. I'd never been there before. What a busy place!

We boarded this tiny (well, tiny to me) little turbo prop plane bound for...

Gainsville, Florida!!

It was raining when we got there and I didn't know an airport could be so small. The temperature wasn't much warmer than in the sun at home in Western Washington. It was a little more humid, but welcoming.

I know. It might not seem as exciting to others as it was to me. That's not only where national champion football and basketball teams from the University of Florida is located, it also houses the headquarters for the Research and Development departments for the primary software that I support at work. And! It's where my dear friend, Angela, lives. It was so much fun to be hijacked by her on Wednesday evening. She invited me to dinner with some of her other friends. People whom I've heard about, and even participated in conference calls with. It was SOOO much fun to meet them in real life.

Angela gets to come up and visit me fairly regularly, but this was the first time ever that I'd traveled for work. I was super excited to be able to spend time with her on my first work trip. She's hilarious and has an incredible way with words. Her perceptions are unique and engaging. I'm honored to consider her a friend.

R decided to go to bed early that night, so I was left to hang out with Angela and her friends. It was so wonderful! Sleep was short that night and for the next few nights as well, but the opportunity was a remarkable experience.

Tuesday...aka-Let the Fun Begin

Tuesday started out as normal as can be. Took the kids to school, headed out to the office. When my office mate arrived with bagels, I went to go and make one. Unfortunately, as soon as I pushed the lever to toast the silly thing, something went terribly wrong in my back. I haven't ever been able to understand why people on TV bend at the middle and don't get back up when their "back goes out", however at that moment...I completely understood.

And then I realized that I had just done the unthinkable. I'd pulled my back while toasting a bagel. Um, how out of shape am I? Wait! Is that even possible? Can a person actually pull a muscle lowering the toast? Maybe I was just in the exactly right wrong position.

Well, I made it to my chair and was able to choke down my bagel. I took a few phone calls in excruciating pain. I tried very hard not to let on the exaperation that was required for each breath. After trying to work in this pain for about an hour, I thought maybe if I laid down and relaxed these cramped up muscles in my back, that I might be more able to sit and breathe without this pain.

I eased into a position where I could relax and I woke up 2 hours later. I recall trying to carefully reposition once during which I realized that my relaxation technique had not fully taken hold. It wasn't taking hold even a little bit. I got up and made it back to my desk. I worked until about 2 hours after I couldn't handle the pain anymore. My back had never hurt in that place before, and I wasn't convinced that there weren't some internal organs trying to eject themselves through my ribs!!!

I made it to the doctor's office and waited in the waiting room for over an hour. I tried not to breathe too deep so I wouldn't be infected with their germs. I hate going to the doctor's office, but not because I don't like the doctor. It's the waiting room that completely freaks me out. There are germs everywhere. Sick, snotty, slimy kids who want to share everything with everyone. And mothers who have so obviously hit the ends of their ropes, that apparently anything their child does is acceptable. Including gorging themselves in water from the bubbler.

When I finally made it back with the MA, I was glad to see that my weight hadn't spiraled upward as much as I had thought. In fact, with my coat and my shoes on (because it would have hurt too much just to take them off and then pick them back up again moments later) I weighed about what I weighed with those things off the last time I was there.

We went into the exam room and he asked me some questions. I was embarrassed to admit the events that led to this extreme pain, but I was getting on a plane in the early morning and just needed some muscle relaxants to get through the trip. Not going was not an option in my mind.

Then the doctor came in and asked me if I'd been feeling sick lately, nauseated, run down. I said that I had, but I have been going through a lot of things personally and emotionally, so I made nothing of my loss of appetite. Then he asked me about previous back pain. Again, I acknowledged a history of back pain, but never in this place. Finally, he asked me where it was. High mid-back, on the left. I was invited into a bathroom wherein I was able to provide the smallest sample ever of urine.

I watched the doctor and nurse do the little paper test. I heard mention of trace and possibly...whoa! Yeah. Okay. Thanks.

He came back into the room and checked my lungs. That required breathing deeply. I mentioned earlier how painful that was. I did my best, but apparently he couldn't be sure. He really wanted to do some more investigation. Knowing that probably meant imaging and my office was closed to walk in patients by this time, I informed him that I was leaving on a plane very early the next morning and really needed a solution for my pain. He then asked me if I'd seen any blood in my urine or had pain with urinating in the last few weeks. I honestly didn't recall specifically. It's been a wild few weeks for me, so...

Kidney Infection. Possible respiratory infection. Antibiotics and pain killers. And! My pharmacy was closed.

I had to go to WalMart anyway. There were a couple of things I needed to pick up for my trip anyway and they have a pharmacy. Apparently, they were also picking up the slack for my pharmacy. I had to wait 45 minutes. I was already in so much pain when I got there. I slowly lumbered through the aisles getting the few things I needed. I self-checked since there was no line and got out for $26. Plus the cost of my meds.

I went straight home and cried as I packed. Not that I was sad to go, just that the Vicodin hadn't kicked in AT ALL. I was aided by my Sweet One to finish one last load of laundry. I confirmed with my dad that he was going to take me to the airport at 5:10 in the morning.

As I was on my way upstairs to bed, I realized that I hadn't checked in for my flight. That didn't take too long to do, but then I needed to print the stupid boarding pass.

Yes, I work with computers. I fix printers for a living. Making computers and printers talk to each other. And yet at home, I have nothing set up to print to. Thank goodness my dad was still awake and online. I had him print it for me.

Thanks Daddy! Then off to bed.

My favorite part of this evening was how much fun it was to get hit from behind in the bathroom. I was trying to pee, but that's not what my body had in mind. It's was a long 20 minutes, and I had yet to really pee despite how much cranberry juice I drank. Apparently, the fruit in it had a different effect.

I was up a couple of times in the night taking care of that before the next morning came.

Leading up to all the fun!

I haven't posted since last Friday, so now I have to try and remember what happened between Friday and Tuesday. Because I know exactly what happened on Tuesday. Hee hee hee...I'm such a teaser.

When I ask my family what we did last Saturday, there are a lot of crickets. "Uh, some stuff," says the Sweet One. "Man! I can't remember," interjects Softie. Yeah, apparently Saturday wasn't much to write home about. I talked to a couple of friends on the phone and we planned to clean. As I recall, not much cleaning actually happened. I think I got a little napping done, of course. I also started on what was, by far, the big weekend project. Laundry.

Sunday, I ran sound at church with my team. That always makes for a long day. 6:30 am until 1:30 pm. I was in a daze mentally, unable to really focus on very much except the sound and the mix itself. I didn't feel very connected socially. I didn't talk to many people, wasn't engaged to deeply. I did enjoy the sermon and had wished that Softie had been able to hear it. It was technically challenging as there were lots of transitions between speaking and video and others speaking. Wireless mics make me nervous, but we worked it out. And I even got to sit with my dad for the last couple of minutes of the message.

When I got home from church, our landlord met us and picked up her refrigerator. I was working like a crazy woman to make up for the hours I'd spent napping the day before. Softie cleaned the bathroom before we got home, so I got to work on the floors and the kitchen. I was just finishing when she got here. And she didn't even come in! Dangit! But it was clean, so I wasn't too upset.

More Laundry. Oh! and a nap!!

Monday was pretty uneventful. Took the kids to school. Went to work. Worked like mad! Came home. Nothing out of the ordinary. I did take Softie and Little Mann to Ross. We got a couple of fun things, mostly in preparation for my upcoming trip...ooo! Another teaser.

More Laundry.

And then I went to bed. No nap. The fun was to start the next day.

Quiet

I know I've been quiet here for a few days, but I promise you it's not been for a lack of wanting to post. There's been SOOO MUCH GOING ON!!! I've hardly had enough time to sleep, let alone consciously post about whatever's been going on.

And now, it's late again and I really need to catch up on some sleep. So, until tomorrow, why don't y'all let me know how you'd prefer to read about my last week, chronologically? or reverse chronologically?

It's your call. If you don't decide, I'll be forced to post a terribly long entry all in one...or I could just post 40 different moments...all split up individually. WOW! There's a lot to choose from there. Bring on the comments!

Clarity...

Sometimes there are things that swim around in my head. There are questions that I ask. There are answers that I lack. There is direction that evades me.

And do I know the answers? Really? When I'm broken and honest and void of myself?

Yeah, I do know that God is the solution. I know that He is the answer. He offers the direction. And I know that He knows that I doubt and waiver and ask. And He loves me in spite of that. And He helps me to see His way through. It's not easy and I mess it up A LOT! I don't why He does it, but I'm glad that He does. every. stinking. day.

But I still ask these crazy questions. I still try to solve the problems in my own head with my own power. And I still hurt. And I still doubt. And I still wonder.

I wonder if I'll ever get to a place where I don't. And if I ever get there, I wonder if I'll find some other place to be weak in.

Completely unrelated to ANYTHING!

DJ's boyfriend on Roseanne...dude! That guy is UGLY!

Truth is truth, folks.

silly me

So, I was thinking last night, on my way to sleep, that I'm pretty silly.

I really like gift cards, but then when I get one, I'm so chicken to actually use them! My exception to being careful with the cards is the Starbucks card.

I received a gift card last year for a spa and I can't bring myself to use it. I could get my eyebrows waxed every few weeks for 6 months with it. I could get a massage or a scrub or something. For whatever reason, I feel that there was significant value placed on the gift and I don't want to be frivolous about using it.

Is that completely lame or what? Especially because I don't dive for the gift card as a gift for someone I significantly value. I dive on the gift card when I honestly can't think of what do get for someone.

So, why did I think about this? I bought a new wallet and when I was pulling out my debit card yesterday to pay for something, I realized that for being a new wallet, it's pretty full already. And it's NOT full of cash. It's gift cards. I must have about 20 of them in there. I need to find some courage to start using them so I can thin out my cute new wallet.

Oh mighty blogosphere! Impute your courage to me!!! just kidding~but, am I alone in this??

Google...are you out there??

Google's being all weird tonight. Can it really be true that of the 27 subscriptions on my Reader, no one has posted anything new in, like, 5 hours? How can it be?!

Are there not important things to mention to the world?

Are there not frivalous things to talk about?

Is it all life and death right now?

Is the world crashing around every one I KNOW??

AHH!!! The PRESSURE!!!!!!

yes, I spend too much time here.

I've been tagged!!

Veronica tagged me for this meme. I must say that I feel like a total nerd for being so excited that she tagged me. It's like, well, it could be one of two things. Either she likes my neurosis and she's feeding it by choosing me for this meme, or she's already tagged all the other people she knows, so she's shooting at a new target.

Either way! I'm totally honored that I have been picked. She might have also noticed a bit of a block since last week. Whatever the reason. He he hee HAAAA! I GOT PICKED!!!! I FEEL SOOOOO COOOL now!

A - Available or Single? Married.
B - Best Friend. Lisa
C - Cake or Pie. Which one does cheesecake qualify as? It's round like a pie, but there's cake in the name.
D - Drink of Choice. Probably Pepsi or something with an umbrella, depending on the company.
E - Essential Item. The internet. Seriously? Computers are boring without it.
F - Favorite Color. Green or pink or blue. Oh...or brown.
G - Gummi Bears or Worms. Bears feel better in my mouth.
H - Hometown. Chicago! but I live south of Seattle now.
I - Indulgence. Sleep!
J - January or February. July. nah! I'll play fair. January. That's when I got my Sweet One!
K - Kids. There are three~15 yo girl, 12 yo boy, and 5 yo boy
L - Life is incomplete without… authenticity.
M - Marriage Date. July 9, 1999.
N - Number of Siblings? brother in Michigan, sister in Heaven.
O - Oranges or Apples? Both are yummy if they're peeled and room temperature. Apples if I have to peel them myself.
P - Phobias/Fears. Mice.
Q - Favorite Quote. Wherever you are, be there.
R - Reasons to smile. Because I'm not God. Whew!
S - Season. Summer ~ nothing is blooming and nothing is dying
T - Tag Three. Ooo...now the honor is MINE! the Sweet One, Angela, and um...Josh!
U - Unknown Fact About Me. I can only pick ONE?
V - Vegetarian or Oppressor of Animals. Bring the oppression!
W - Worst Habit. Talking myself into thinking horrible things about myself.
X - X-rays or Ultrasounds. Since that's the field I work in, lots and lots of both. Job security BABEE!!
Y- Your Favorite Foods. Anything Mexican
Z - Zodiac. Aries

What would Jesus do?

I can't tell you what he would do, but I can read about what he did.

He came and he showed himself genuine. He showed himself to anyone who would see. He was all that and a bag of chips, but he struggled with sadness and loss. He had an amazing gift and way with people. He was so awesome that it can be easy to forget that he didn't hang out with the socially "right" people. He hung out with the tax collectors. He was authentic and he showed them themselves.

He did not make them do anything. He just offered his gift. And he loved them. He loved them inspite of themselves. He loved them because of who he was and is.

Agape.

I need that kind of love. The love that is in spite of me. I try to give that love. Without judgement. Just true. Authentic. Love. I don't deserve it. None of us really do. Love. Real. Pure. Just because. No reliance on Just Cause.

That's what He did.

If I had Xanax this evening, I would have taken it. I was a complete mess tonight. It was so hard knowing what I know about the pain that was sitting crying, sobbing really. I so wish that I was Superman and that I could actually just fly around the world so fast that I could make time go backwards and stop all the hurt. I really REALLY wish that were possible.

But...I got my kiddo back from New Orleans, so that was WONDERFUL! I totally missed her and she had a lot of off load and take on. She's so awesome.

screwed up...and apparently forgiven

Today was a screwed up day. Not much clear thinking. Lots of tears. Lots of sadness. Fear. Sorrow.

ugh........

but I really want to talk. and not about today or any of that crap. but nothing seems to matter that much.

Tomorrow's Friday. It's going to be BEAUTIFUL tomorrow and I get to work. But then, I get to go to church and that will be awesome.

Good Friday is an incredible day to remember and count so dear the Love that God shared with me. Silly. Scared. Screwed up. ME. He created the whole world in His image knowing full well that we'd mess it up. Just so that he could give us Jesus, all Him and all Human. Knowing that the only solution for my sin condition is sacrifice and death, His son, The One did just that. He gave his life for mine. Once for ALL. Not just the pretty people or the people who have everything figured out. In fact, mostly not for them at all. Mostly for the messed up freaks like me.

Tomorrow's recognition and remembrance of His personal sacrifice that opens the door for me to relate with the Creator of all that is personally...wow. The cost so great. The invaluable gift. The undeserved, unearnable payment made for me. Wow.

Thanks isn't enough.

WalMart fun!

I'm standing there in the line. The very. long. line. at 11:30 at night. in walmart. All of the self service lanes have been closed. Why? Because they don't have enough checkers? Isn't that the point of self check-out?

I observed the probably single mom of probably 2 teenage boys who apparently eat nothing except Totino's Pizza and Stouffer's pot pies while she's left to suck on the V8 fruit fusions. Seriously? Those could have so been my groceries. Clearly I had been in that line too long. I created a whole substory for this poor strangers life while waiting.

Soooo, after waiting for not less than 20 minutes for my turn with the cashier, she's swiping my groceries.

About halfway through, she swipes my cereal. The Muffin Tops. The ones you can only buy at the old WalMart. Oh My GOSH! Those things are so good. So I say to her, "That is the BEST cereal EVER!" and she's all, "Really? I've never tried them." I told her, "Well, you should. They're like if Cinnamon Toast Crunch was on crack...yeah, they're that good!"

Dead silence. Awkward. Dead. Silence.

Since I'm so smart, I started to, um, talk. Since talking helped with the social situation so far, clearly that's a great choice to move forward with. "That is, unless, um, you don't think that crack is awesome...because, well...um...I don't either. Except when you can use it to describe something that's totally a picture of excellent perfection...."

Yeah, I left. I didn't say another word.

Silly things sometimes escape ones mouth leaving one to wonder who that strange person talking is.

Good times. Good times.

spending too much time here...

I'm pretty sure I've been spending too much time online lately. Truly! I've been thinking for about 3 evenings in a row that there's not much going on here. Not that I actually socialize online. I barely comment people's posts. I'm a big geek and I'm pretty sure I don't want strangers to know that. And! I can't really let people in on my geekiness on my friends' sites. Then their friends wouldn't want them to be my friend and maybe they would giggle and talk about me behind my back. Maybe they would pretend to be my friend just so that I could look foolish commenting on their sites when all they really wanted was to get more ammunition for their little giggle fests.

eww...that just came out of my brain! I think I need sleep or something. Maybe more medication. hmmmmm...I'm not usually that neurotic. outloud.

Reader Feedback

I was on my Reader today and I realized that I'm really missing something. So, I dove into the links on my own blog. There they were...the comments! Oh, how I've missed them! It's strange, but I almost enjoy the comments as much as I do the actual posts. I guess I truly am a voyeur, huh??

Sweet! And I spelled voyeur right the first time!!!

April Fools!!!

I've been sitting here for about 45 minutes with this post titled wondering how to make the body of the post match the title. The fact of the matter is that I was sitting her for about 20 minutes before I even came up with a title. So, I went for what was obvious what with today being April 1st and all.

What's wrong with me? Seriously? I think I need to borrow that book from my friend. That one about people not caring what you ate for lunch.

Meanwhile, I'm watching TV and my boys eat ice cream. Mr. I Can Eat Faster Than Anyone just had a major case of brain freeze. It's probably not very good mommy of me, but it's pretty funny that that happens every time he eats ice cream. You would think he'd figure out why that happens and slow down a little.

Ok. It's too bad that Aaron Spelling had to die so that both of his children could have their own reality shows. One is on O and the other is on TBS. I wish THAT was an April Fools joke, but based on my Google search results, I think these shows are real. It is cool that Zach Braff is in Tori's top friends on MySpace.

Tuesday is my dad's birthday. Happy Birthday, Daddy!!